AJ's Corner / Movies / Random

Everything Wrong with The Wolverine

Last weekend, out of boredom, I went –and due to the reviews it got—to see the movie.  And thinking that maybe large masses of people cannot possibly be wrong, I went in with moderately decent hopes for this movie. I later realized that was a big mistake. After waiting an entire week to publish a post that expresses even a small portion of how I felt afterwards, I found it was no easy feat.

The film went on and on about all the wrong things. The plot is beyond complicated, unnecessarily. The movie was so roundabout I left the theaters confused and questioning what I just saw.

Honestly, it made me want to “Russell Crowe”–Gladiator mode–everyone in the theater, including the employees.  It didn’t stop there. I wanted to track down James Mangold, board a plane to wherever it he lives and “Russell Crowe” him there. Then, after all the violence was out of my system, I would then sing all of my hate into him–I sing horribly by the way–until he got the point. Then, the score from Jurassic Park would play in the background as I stared out the window of the plane on my ride home.

This man made 3:10 to Yuma! What I just saw was inexcusable.

Everything wrong with this movie:

1. The continuity of the X-men series as a whole

I know that X-Men: The Last Stand was not what it should have been; so I accepted the fact that X-Men: First Class just laid the previous continuity by the wayside.  I accepted it and thought the very production company–Fox–had accepted it too. Apparently, they didn’t get their own memo.  So, when the movie starts with Logan dreaming about Jean, to me it was sort of a “The f*ck” moment. I guess we are going with the problem-filled plot of Last Stand.

Alrighty then.

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2. Mariko’s purpose in this film…or rather any of the people in this film

In short, Mariko was pretty much useless until the last five minutes of the movie in which she “saved” the day. Yukio, the only other person besides Logan who is actually doing anything, is gone for most of the film and shows up whenever it’s time to kick someone’s ass.  Although, she usually gets her ass beat, but at least she tries. Anyway, Mariko was abducted like 8 times…by different people. The other characters in the movie, besides the old dude, are just kind of there.

3. Viper

What the f*ck? What the ultimate f*ck!? Why is Viper even in this movie? I may just be the only person on this earth who thinks of HYDRA when they think of Viper, but this doesn’t answer why is she here. And why is she a doctor? Who the hell told her she was qualified to be a doctor (And she was an oncologist no less)? With all the money the old dude had, he couldn’t get a better person who is, I don’t know, actually qualified and trained to treat cancer!? That, however, is something I could eventually get over. What I can’t deal with is the fact that she is now a mutant. She’s a mutant with the power of dragon stink breath, immunity to poisons –which means you can’t hit her with a little Raid and be done with it—and she can peel her skin off to become a female Caillou.

Wolverine

Yep, they’re the same person. Life makes sense now.

4. The whole plot of this movie

What more can I say? The entire plot of this whole movie is questionable.  It, to me, was sort of like the X-Men version of Twilight. Strange man with a “tragic” back story (depending on what continuity we go with) falls in love with chick he isn’t supposed to; the chick gets abducted by people who want to kill her. Surprise! We used the girl to get to the guy. Shocker! The only part that goes South, that my dad pointed out, is that Logan left with no one.

“Wow, Wolverine is losing it. He got his sh*t kicked in and he didn’t get the girl. All he got was a bath and a haircut.”

Those were my dad’s exact words and I agree. Logan’s life isn’t what it should be.

5. Logan going back to square one

With X-Men: DOFP coming out and knowing that Logan is having a prominent part – which he shouldn’t be if we’re going by the comics—I wondered just how much stuff he can possibly be doing. I mean, he is operating on his lame ass bone claws; he is slicing and dicing no one. Are they just going to drop the fact that he is basically back at square one? This is unlikely because of the after credits clip. I really hope that it is addressed and not in some half-assed explanation like “oh he fell into a random vat of Adamantium and the process repeated itself”. And for the people that say “Wolverine has a healing factor”, to that I say yes he does, but the metal was bonded to his skeleton and cannot be regenerated.

xmen_boy

This kid.

Honorable mentions:

*Why was the metal on the bullet train so damn flimsy? I get that it’s Wolverine and his claws are the sh*t, but really? The walls went down like paper. But I will forgive it because it just might be the highlight of the entire movie. Now that I think of it, how did he get back in the train?

*Why was old man Yashida doing the most? He was inside the transformer version of the Silver Samurai. If I was told I was going die of cancer, my thought process would not be “let’s use the few days I have left alive to use all of my fortune to make an Adamantium suit of armor to hopefully steal immortality of someone else”, only for it to last all of five minutes.

*Why is Jean here? Imagine your face the moment someone looks at you and asks whether or not Logan and Jean were ever a thing. Honestly, why does he care whether she is dead or not? The film did not do its job, which is to leave me with as few questions as possible.

*Why did the Silver Samurai turn into the Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lore? I don’t know why we had to turn the guy that was an actual mutant into a suit of armor and the woman that was genetically altered into a full-blown mutant. Our priorities are not where they should be.

Samurai

WTF!!!

Overall, my reaction…

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Did I leave anything out? What are you guy’s thoughts?

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