AJ's Corner / Random / Television

The Horrors of History Channel

I was flipping through TV channels late last night and found nothing. Absolutely nothing.  I know that everyone has gone through this once or twice before, (for me, this happens at least three times a week), where there are no decent programs on at all. I mean, it was to the point that  I might as well be watching the dreaded educational PBS programs. Everything that provided a small semblance of entertainment has already been featured and gone off. Essentially, everything besides the sketchy shows that air on HBO late at night, old re-runs of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and the mysterious beyond on History Channel.

I sigh, shrug, and swallow my pride as I turn on the History Channel.

The History Channel is known for being the granddaddy of all television shows and quite honestly, it scares me. When I think of History Channel shows, I think of Saturday afternoons where my dad would take a nap in between every show and then rewind it back because he missed something. Or, if you are like everybody else, you were forced to watch an educational video found in the bowels of the teacher’s lounge on some dusty shelf somewhere.

Strangely, I found myself gravitating inexplicably toward the shows that run on History Channel, while sitting on the floor and staring blankly at the television screen.  It’s like the scene from the Poltergeist and it happens every night. When my friends pointed out that I spew out pieces of random information and facts, such an observation made me want to share what I have learned from the famed channel.

Here is my short and condensed list of things that I learned from History Channel:

Number 1:

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I am with you, dude

Aliens exist and that’s not just it. According to that guy from “Ancient Aliens“, they have been here for a while and are the apparent reason for everything horrible that is wrong with mankind. Take this for example: Have you ever had that moment where you have a serious midnight craving for something sweet and over 100 calories and the only thing you manage to find is the reduced fat version? And let’s say this thing you find is Oreos. What normal, self-respecting person goes to the store and purposely chooses to buy reduced fat Oreos when the original–and better tasting–version is sitting right next to it? Forgive me, my will is weak and hell yeah I am blaming aliens.

Number 2:

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Next, is the reason I refuse to wander around aimlessly in the woods while doing stupid things. This list includes: hiking, camping, fishing, and just plain being in the woods in the first place. I mean, not that the woods are unappealing or anything; I just wouldn’t be there for any reason at all. This fact means that, according to Disney Princess lore, I may never meet my Prince Charming (Because they tell people it is okay to fall in love with the stranger you ran into in the woods. It’s okay, because he will love you and take you to some far away kingdom in some random place where your family will never see you again. But at the end of the day, you will know it was worth it, because he is a prince…or was it an employee of an office supply store? You can’t remember.  But it’s cool! You don’t care because he has a job and that’s okay in today’s economy.).

I’m sorry, but this entire scenario is the horrible lead-in to a future E! Investigates episode and for that, I couldn’t resist.

Sadly, this is exactly how my mind works.

Sadly, this is exactly how my mind works.

Monster Quest” revealed strange things happening in the woods, which is why I shall never be there.

Ever.

Number 3:

Apocalypse. Just the word makes me jittery and paranoid.

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Even smoke clouds are evil

Needless to say, after watching “Countdown to Apocalypse”, I was left in my backyard digging a makeshift shelter, (At this point, it is only a 4 ft. deep hole that is covered by a trash can cover. Yeah…I’m helping no one), and hoarding canned foods and bottled water. I am well on my way to becoming a serious, albeit somewhat half-assed, Doomsday prepper.

What I think it looks like

What I think it looks like

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What it really looks like

Number 4:

America: The Story of Us“, Revenge Bear, need I say more? Oh, I forgot.  Throw in a lot of dying and cannibalism and the end result is one of the best history lessons of all time.

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Imagine this, but like times 4 and with the same damned guy every time. Poor guy. This bear clearly had a vendetta.

Number 5:

showposter

And last, but not least, “Swamp People“! I mean, who doesn’t want to be some bad-ass dude whose job is to go out into the sun all day and hunt some reptiles? (OK. I admit that right there, it doesn’t sound that awesome. But it is, trust me!) Betty get the shotgun! AJ is going to be a Crocodile Hunter!

Also, the fact that even though these guy live in America and still need subtitles should be addressed and duly noted.

(And in complete honesty, half of them sound like the firefly from Disney’s Princess and the Frog. This awards them an added star for making it appealing to all audiences including small children…who may want to hunt dangerous animals in the future.)

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In short: Don’t do it! If you have the choice, do not risk it. History isn’t a Class 5: “Melt your eyeballs” Level (like Lifetime), but I give it Class 2: “Avoid it if you can”. It messes with the way you perceive the world, just like how on Lifetime, 80% of the dudes are shady and on MTV’s Catfish, the viewers are 99.9% afraid they may be the next victims. History will make you believe that anything and everything is out to kill/harm you–even if they aren’t real–in horrible ways.

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