In the span of my seriously lived life, you pick up things (mostly things you’ve seen and never done, but same thing). Just by thinking about who you are as a human being, or android, or other various life forms, you can tell how long you would last in any adventure. And as a seasoned adventurer. (I kid), I would like to share with you how to survive any adventure that may come your way, Bear Grylls style.
- Always , always carry a weapon. It doesn’t matter if it’s a slingshot or a shotgun (if all you have are rocks and sticks, you need to do better)… or even a really long poking stick to blind people (honestly, you have a 40% chance if hitting someone in the eye. As long as it’s not you, you’re good). You’ll be glad you have one. Side note: Whichever weapon you chose, actually be able to use it. Really, what’s the point of having a shotgun if your aim sucks and you end up with a wounded team-mate?
- Choose your team-mates wisely. Unless your one of the solo dolo types, you can keep on walking. Besides easing up the boredom on this ultra long journey, they will also have your back in a brawl (unless they are like me and will leave first chance they get when sh*t gets real).
- Get your cardio up. Now, look I’m not being a jerk; I’m just being honest. That being said, you don’t have to be buff to join the team, but please carry your own weight. Decent cardio is necessary for either one of these two instances: A. If you’re the ass that is willing to desert your friends to ensure your own life, you’re going to need to not be caught by the attackers and your (probably ex) friends should they survive, as they will most definitely want revenge. B. Your b*tch team-mate has deserted you, so you must flee, regroup, and try to catch his/her ass to exact revenge. Honestly, I am not asking you to be on that Assassin’s Creed-level parkour. Just be good enough to not be left behind.
- Have some type of skill. Be it information gathering or strange knowledge of mountainous marine terrain stargazing, take it you need it at some point. Also, if you have that friend who just may be a kleptomaniac (though they promise they’ve never stolen from you) who can lie, pick locks and steal all at the same time, bring them along. Not only are we wandering, but stealing useful stuff along the way. Yay! Land pirate!
- Make sure someone in your group has some medical training. A first aid kit and a Hello Kitty band-aid might not be enough. Remember there are no respawns in the game of life.
- Do not trust everyone you come across. If you come across a man who has a rat-like (or snake-like) appearance, and bears a name that refers to rats, worms, or things that are “just plain wrong/ disturbing” (or you can’t pronounce or remember it); or if the person is like me, over eager to do b*tch work in order to please you, it is safe to assume that this man/woman is a traitor and will sell you out to the highest bidder at some point on your journey. It’s like, the number one law of adventuring.
- Do not do anything you saw Finn and Jake doing. Unless you have been adventuring so long you give no more effs or you’re so bad-ass nothing else matters. Otherwise, you are creating a host of unnecessary problems: you managed to rip a hole in the universe and wake up ancient evil that has been released through said hole, when all that was asked of you was to go to the grocery store and get milk.
- If you and your party are transporting some kind of inherently evil object, don’t put the responsibility entirely on one person. The Fellowship has taught us that this plan never works. That person is going to die, be brought back, then stabbed and abducted numerous times before they give up and you are then forced to carry them the rest of the way (b*tch please). Pass it around and make sure to stick to a schedule so no one catches the crazy that is going to be going around.
- Always remember to bring along at least one loyal sidekick. As long as you have a Sam on your side, you’re going to survive. They will end up saving your life multiple times, even though it will take you the entire journey to properly appreciate them and their constant comedic relief. Sidenote: If your sidekick was the ass that deserted you earlier on in the journey, know that eventually they will return (when you need them most). So, if this occurs, call off the ass whupping they were supposed to get. If you tell them you hate their guts as you lay dying by a river of lava, they will leave you there — if they can desert you before, they can do it again.
10. Network. If you help someone early on in the journey and it is later revealed that they are a prince or princess (or anyone of power, really) do not hesitate to give them a call and remind them of the time you saved them from Bowser for like the eighth time. Treat them like they are Ghostbusters. They owe you favors. Whether it’s transport, food, or getting out of prison, they have to help you. Why? Because that’s how solids work. Also, if your friend can in some way help so much that it impacts the nature of the journey like: give you a ride that trimmed this journey from a six month one to a six hour one, do that.
- When in doubt, destroy. This will fix (or kill) most things you are unsure about that may be unfriendly (exceptions being things that are impervious to fire or are made of fire…or just have a higher level of badassery that they are impervious).
- Bring people you trust with you. That should be a no-brainer for the whole of mankind, but we’re including this in case you’re one of those people that make it a point to team up with their sworn enemies. Like Goku…and everyone he isn’t related to or isn’t Krillin.
- Do not try to be the next Bear Grylls. Look around, your entire team has deserted you. Why? Because you’re doing way too much. They got tired of you thinking you knew everything about anything that has ever existed anywhere. The moment you put a pee hat on, they left you. Because you are neither Chuck Norris or a martial arts master, you can be replaced.
- Do not bring perpetually negative, whiny people along. Everyone knows one of these people in real life. If the only real way to describe that person is, “You know that, really depressing and useless chick in Twilight that is always causing problems for everybody else?” :Dude, that’s Bella Swan”, then they’re it. If you haven’t already left that person by the wayside, that means you are planning to use them as a sacrifice. Look at you making sure everyone is included!
- Do not be the Yamcha. This may be the last thing on the list, but it is the most serious. It is the most serious because if you are the Yamcha, then it means you are the sacrifice. Any time you are put before depressing chick, you are not doing enough…you actually just may be useless and was brought along out of pity. Needless to say, but we all know what happens to Yamcha.
That’s all and I hope all of your adventures are epic!