As everybody makes their way back to school, or for some people go off for the first time, the first things on your list to do are: Drop all of your crap off in your room, make a path to the door and windows (make sure everything is on your ‘side’ if you and your roomie aren’t cool like that) and go find your friends.
Sure, you will have old friends that you go in thinking “we are going to be friends for ever”, just know that may not happen. You have about a 30% chance of still being “besties/bros” with the same person you have known since middle school. People change and became assholes you don’t want to be around and no longer deserve your time. You will venture into the world unknown and find people you can actually stand to be around (and this is important). Since everyone is away from home you form a slightly defunct ‘family’ (LIlo & Stitch level, if not worse) and form your own gaggle of weirdos.
But here is the list of people your are bound to meet before your year of college is up:
1. The Overly Christian Jesus-Freak Friend
Even though they are kind of annoying, spouting profound wisdom nonsense and always trying to drag you to places were you will obviously be the odd person out: Christian sleep-overs (none of your stories are PG), Christian Bible Studies (your iffy on how, exactly, the Bible works and a whole other dictionary, Hooked on Phonics, is needed when you are asked to read aloud), Christian Concert (what’s a concert where you can’t Jersey Turnpike on that hot dude?…And you don’t know any of the songs).
But at the end of the day, they are always going to be there to listen to your stupid, wild night stories. Mind you, they may judge…just a little and give a lesson on how to better your life. You may also want to keep them around because for whatever reason they seem to know every attractive person on campus.
2. Super Sporty Chick/Dude Friend
This person is ultra-built with a Thor/Xena body-type that make us all look like Shaggy (Yep, from Scooby-Doo) in comparison. You will most likely end up repeating stories of the adventure you shared with your other friends to this person, who was either running, at practice, or at the gym when it happened. Then, one Saturday morning, they will call you in need of a favor. It turns out that favor was to stand in for an ultra-intense game with the word ‘ultimate’ in front. Most, likely ‘Ultimate Australian Football’, how they made something already ultimate more ultimate, I’m not sure.
Upside, this friend will be the first to tell you that you may be gaining the Freshmen 15 (or if no longer a freshmen, you’re just getting fat). This friend will also give you a reason to occupy the Smoothie King inside the gym and check out the hottie-hot-hottie on the weights.
3. The Helpless Friend
This person is always going to need your help/ approval. She’s the most naïve friend you have…either that or they just may be stupid. The kindness however, balances out their stupidity. Always the first to worry about everyone, yet she is somehow always on the bottom of her own list. She embodies the childish innocence that had long since been dead within your group of friends (though somehow they are the most sexually active of the bunch, not sure how that happened).
If she cries, deal with it. If she has relationship issues, deal with that too. Because she may be the only friend willing enough to help you/find you while you’re out wandering the streets messed up. Plus, there will be plenty of stupid stories to tell while she drags your sorry ass back to your room and babysits you for the rest of the night.
4. The Hater Friend
This friend thinks they can do damn near everything. It would be okay if they were, I don’t know, Kim Possible, Chuck Norris, Abe Lincoln, Bruce Lee, even Ryan Seacrest ,as long as they are no longer themselves. They probably think they are God’s gift to the world, when this could be farther from the truth. They are that hater friend that’s hates on you, everything, and most likely themselves. When good stuff happens, they have nothing to say, but when horrible sh*t happens they are there with bells on.
Everyone has –or should have–that one hater friend, if you don’t have one, you are not living life right…or you cut them out of your life early on (good for you). This person serves as an indicator of whether or not your life is going where it needs to be…thank them for that, it will piss them off more.
5. The Meatball from another Olive Garden Friend
This one is simple enough, you guys are like Snooki and Deena, and because there is no J-WOW, you are free to Jersey Turnpike all over town. This person is exactly like you, this can either be good or very bad and one of you will come out being called “Triple Gay”…whatever that means. You also have to be very careful about what you say to them or it will escalate to fist fight levels quickly. And when they happen, which they will, everyone around you will act like it’s the same as watching Goku fight anybody on DBZ—anybody that mattered really—and stand clear and openly refuse to stop it.
Upside, immediately after you guys are cool again. It seems crazy to everyone but for those who have seen an actual bro-mance–the Pauly D and Vinny kind (because I am the Rhode Islander, we all know who I was made to be…Vinny). Only you guys can go from melt downs to hugging and possibly crying and sharing deep dark secrets, all of that without it turning into some strange sexual experience that will end the relationship. That’s why you keep them around…
All in all, keep these people around. These people will spawn the dumbest conversations that you all agree on.
And you may also possibly need them in the future when sh*t is not going your way–you’re homeless because you refused to go back home to your parents…technically it’s your prides fault–and they can hook up with that job use so desperately need. So keep them–except maybe the hater one, you can manage life without that one–the will crucial to the next stage of life…getting married and letting yourself go, as you can’t let go what you never had (everyone knows that once 30s happen, unless you’re the chicks off Sex and the City, you won’t have any time for them).