Since it’s Sunday and I usually write an Original Post, here’s a random one for you guys.
I hope it screams boredom (actually, I hope it doesn’t since it took me days to do this). At my friends’ urging, I have extensively gone through every one of our fictional crushes and picked apart all the reasons why they would NOT be good boyfriends. Read on to find out what we think would be the dealbreakers for each of the characters:
10. Ron Weasley
This guy is only here due to the immense teasing and flack I got for this and so, this is dedicated to that person (who would call me Mrs. Grint every time she saw me…every day). You know who you are! Anyways, he is a cute, little—at least he used to be—ginger, that quite possibly kick-started my interested in redheads. Ron is the embodiment of me in the Harry Potter world: the brave, (when need be), comedic glue that holds the group together. Yep, when he left the whole Golden Trio went to sh*t. Neither Harry nor Hermione knew what to do. And that’s all because home skillet Ron was not there. And when Ron likes you, you’re going to know it because he is going to attempt to c*ck-block so hard that you can’t help but notice.
He is not awesomely bright (but this is only in comparison to Harry and Hermione, really). He is Harry friggin’ Potter’s sidekick, which means he’s missing in action all the time and quite possibly being chased by Death Eaters and calling (long distance) for help. You may also end up being kidnapped or targeted all because you are Weasley’s main squeeze. And wherever Ron goes, his two friends are there—they probably all go potty together too, girl style—so if you are a bit insecure, it may not do any favors for your fragile psyche if Hermione is there to hold your guy’s hand because you’re not there. And there’s the rather large issue of the whole twenty plus people shacking up in one home, which means no sleepovers for you. And he is cheating on you with his friend (which one depends on you).
If I had to be stranded on a random ass island with anybody, it would be Jack. He has been in worse messes than that, (you know, the whole “sea turtles” deal). If Charlie Hunnam was not the president of SAMCRO (and if they were pirates), it would be Jack. He’s a pirate with rum and dreadlocks who is played by Johnny Depp and is incredibly sassy. What could possibly be wrong with him? Oh, and he is just about always packing rum. How is this not cool?
I can live with the fact that he may leave me behind on an island crawling with cannibals. I can live with him hogging the eye liner. But what I can’t live with is him being the reason as to why all the rum is gone. Oh, and with him being a pirate, I know his hygiene is nowhere near where it’s supposed to be. Needless to say, but I know he has way more than scurvy…if you know what I mean.
8. Tony Stark
Robert Downey Jr. Uh, Robert Downey Jr. Friggin’ Robert Downey Jr.! Tony is the perfect combination of snark, wit, and happy, fun, good times. He is also rich and owns his own company and has the free time to do whatever it is you want to do. Want to go to Paris? Done. Want to go Barcelona? Open your eyes, you’re already there. Even though we are not really sure what race/ethnicity he is –making your future children question marks—we love him anyway. Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s Iron Man.
You’d have to deal with Tony’s chest of Arc Reactor stuff –that could have apparently been removed in the first or second movie, negating the need to create an entirely new element to help stabilize it—that is on 24/7, including when you are trying to sleep. On top of that, you’d have to deal with his obsession of building-robotic-suits-that-have-a-tendency-to-never-be-ready-when-they’re-needed-or-go-completely-haywire-and-try-to-attack-people. He also has underlying PTSD/anxiety issues that have yet to be addressed and no one has time to deal with that. And as long as Pepper is not dead, he is eyeing Pepper on the side. No amount of awesome facial hair can fix all of these problems.
7. Draco Malfoy
Blonde and arrogant, he swaggered into our lives –with a self-assured as-holeness that only he can manage– and pissed us off, all while being ultra-cute. When he was younger, he was just a bleach blonde butt-face and now, he is a clean, suit-wearing (I’m a sucker for suits) butt-face. Most of all, he hates Harry Potter just about as much, if not more, than I do –Harry is a large, wizarding, attention whore that gets to skip school and have magical powers. If I could do any of that, I would probably be on my way to Passages Rehab Center. Let’s face it, he’s a typical bad boy, and there are about a million girls ready to volunteer themselves at “redeeming” him on a moment’s notice. Who wouldn’t want to fix him? Oh and he’s filthy rich and grew up in a fabulous mansion in Wiltshire.
Even if he somehow managed to like you enough to date you, his family will hate your guts for being non-magical (no magic…at all). The Malfoys are blood purists, (the wizarding world version of the KKK), which is not awesome. His parents would rather have you be a Half-Blood than a Muggle, even though they would still dislike you and quite possibly your children. Do not even attempt this relationship if you’re a Mud-blood, they will try to have you mysteriously killed off.
6. Any Guy From Game of Thrones
I know. It’s kind of out there, but it’s true. I watch the show and I put every available male on this list.
No matter who you pick, they are doomed to a horrible death. Why? Because it’s probably in their contract somewhere that they have to die a gruesome death that is way overdone for the sake of ratings. Unless he is Peter Dinklage, he is going to die. Good luck keeping him alive.
5. Optimus Prime
Yet another seemingly strange choice. He is only on this list because he is Optimus Prime, (the embodiment of ‘Robot Jesus’), and because I need a WTF candidate and he seemed like the best one. I get it. He is an Autonomous Robot and it will never work between you. But, you try because he told you too. Optimus is one of those guys that has a voice that makes you listen and do whatever he says (like Morgan Freeman…or Batman). He has a posse for a reason. On the bright side, you would never have to worry about cars breaking down, not having gas, or crowded dates (as everyone will be running away at the sight of you). And, I am going to bring up the Autobot crew again. Optimus has a group of people that will do anything for you as long as he ordered it.
Shit is always going down and because you are the human in his life, he is going to depend on you to do and make all of the sacrifices an Autobot can’t (I’m not sure what logic this is, as I am not sure what I can do that a robot can’t do better, but it’s the logic he is going with). He also loves his friends and the world more than you and will proceed to sacrifice his robot life for the job. You can only hope that your will (with some help from the animation team) can bring him back to life–again.
4. Damon Salvatore
He’s dark, mysterious, and has a sort of attractive brother. Oh, yeah, he is a vampire. This could be a really good thing in that he isn’t one of the those lame ‘vegetarian’ vamps that have a tendency to sparkle in the sun. And also unlike, those other wimpy vampires that are adverse to doing ‘vampire things’ in public, Damon gives no effs. Actually, Damon gives no effs to everything in general. He could be the perfect boyfriend. His age means that he has seen a lot and is very cultured. He also knows what’s really important and what’s not. If you want a protective (willing to kill anyone –including friends and family in exchange for your life–and sacrifice himself for you) and painfully honest guy on your side, Damon is it.
He has a tendency to go absolutely batsh*t crazy in his bouts of rage. He will even go so far as to kill your brother because you guys had an argument. He also never thinks things through and this throws any plan you ever had out the window. Also, as long as you are together, do not attempt a relationship with his brother, even if it is a friendly one, because this will start a ridiculously overblown rivalry between the two for your affections. This last one is a biggie: he is a vampire. Unless you are okay with eventually getting down right wrinkly and being in a relationship with a man that is perpetually in his twenties, whenever he presents the “do you want to be a vampire” question–which in my mind is much more important than any proposal–say ‘yes’. If you can deal with this and his murdering, blood thirsty (literally) ways, then go for it.
3. Sam Winchester
Aw, look at him with his floppy hair and puppy eyes and the big brains. I mean, he was a law school student at one point. So, we know he’s bloody smart and ultra hard-working. He is a friggin’ hunter; so he should be able to attempt to save you from the weird sh*t that happens in Supernatural. Maybe if you stress the fact that you don’t like dying, he will train you a little and this will make your chances for surviving a little bit more than 10%.
Everything he touches or loves (or even moderately likes/indifferent to) dies. If you sleep with Sam Winchester, you will DIE in the same episode. I am not even kidding. Like, it’s not even funny. You’re doomed the moment he smiles at you. Oh, have we mentioned that one time he had Lucifer waltzing around in his head for a while? The Lucifer…the bad one. Oh and did I forget to mention that his job is a professional serial killer— take that normal day at the office– and that he’s probably just a little bit of a seriously attractive sociopath (I was the same thing in a past life, what a small world…).
2. Loki Laufeyson
How can I even begin to describe Loki Laufeyson? He’s beautiful…all he really needs is a shower to de-grease him of all the gunk that has no doubt accumulated while hurtling through space and being imprisoned. He’s smart and is obviously a great tactician and can plan for damn near anything. What? It’s the apocalypse and Loki has planned a way for you two to escape and possibly enslave the earth…or what’s left of it. If he would just smile all of the time (not the creepy ass one that makes you back out of the room) like Tom Hiddleston, that would make it even more awesome.
He is beyond demented and he is very much a megalomaniac. He’s a frost giant who was raised knowing that frost giants are evil; so of course he has enough self-hatred stored within his heart to possibly beat out Severus Snape in a self-loathing contest. Loki wants to rule the universe and thinks everyone should kneel for him. He would also murder you for sh*ts and giggles.
He’s Batman and he knows it, nor is he afraid to say it. After telling him your back story for ten minutes and looking into his eyeballs, you are going to find out that he is Bruce Wayne underneath all of that Bat cloak. As Batman, he can protect you as you try to live your normal life in Gotham –just kidding, there is no normal in Gotham– and as Bruce, he can foot the bill for anything you want. If he says ‘no’, just bring up the Batcave, the Bat, or anything with bat in it and he will give you money like they are the unwanted Pizza Hut flyers that are always in your mailbox.
He’s obsessive, mildly schizophrenic, and refuses to leave his parents’ deaths in the past (in fact, dedicates the rest of his life to vengeance for their sake).
Batman dresses in costume, spends a good part of his wealth to support the lifestyle of his bat-alter ego, and puts his life on the line nightly (what sane person is willing to do that?). He also feels the need to have a group of sidekicks either named Robin or Batgirl/woman–life never ends well for them. So at some point, he will ask you to don a suit, despite having no crime fighting experience whatsoever. Oh and he will probably never trust you. You can be Dick Grayson, the boy he raised, and he still won’t trust you. Why? Because Batman doesn’t trust anyone. Not only will he second guess and dissect everything you say, but he’ll likely interrogate you.
And let’s not forget, he is beyond f*cking crazy. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same action over and over again, expecting a different result.” Isn’t that exactly what Batman does? Over and over again, he puts on the costume, goes out and fights crime, and then throws the criminals he catches into Arkham in hopes that the insane asylum will rehabilitate them. Then, there is the fact that many of the criminals that began to spring up in Gotham City can be viewed as a product of Batman’s existence. There’s a question of whether or not his existence as Batman is what led to the creation of villains like the Joker, for example. The Joker seems to exist solely to wreak havoc on Batman — to give him a hard time, to get under his skin. Would the Joker exist were it not for Batman’s existence? When the only thing that seperates you and your arch-nemesis, (the super psychotic Joker), is the fact you refuse to kill people, there’s a problem. But, he does not refute such craziness. It has also been shown that his ridiculously powerful will gives him the power to reject the laws of nature, physiology, and physics. Your life is also bound to be the longest episode of Maury when all of Bat’s previous love interest show up, with children.
Let it be known that he definitely loves his job way more than you and will replace you immediately following your death (while your funeral is still going on, he is holding try-outs for his next sidekick). And you are bound to die because his enemies are bound to find out about you. Look at what happened to Jason Todd. He got beat with a crow bar. What about Barbara Gordon? She was shot in the back. Whoever Batman/Bruce Wayne brings into the fold immediately becomes a primary target for his adversaries.
Good luck with all of that.