Funny / Lex's Corner / Random

7 Things I Hated About The Polar Vortex

Now, I’ve always said that I’d rather be really cold than really hot. You see, I have been under the (relatively) false impression that getting warmer is easier than getting colder. Having lived through this polar vortex sh*t, however, I’m semi-compelled to change my mind.

As a lot of you know, I hate just about everything. But so far, I have not hated anything nearly as much as I hated The Polar Vortex (not to be confused with The Polar Express).

Parts 1 AND 2.

Yup. It’s true.

And on that note, here are eight things that I really hate about The Polar Vortex in general:

1. Traveling/making travel plans…especially by plane

Traveling in a polar vortex was actually one of the worst things I have ever had the displeasure of doing.Trying to fly anywhere in such weather is virtually impossible. And if, by some small chance, you actually succeed in securing a flight, don’t get too attached because it will surely be cancelled.

I just cancelled your flight. How does it feel?

BUT WAIT.

THERE’S MORE.

I sh*t you not.

If your flight happens to miraculously evade cancellation, be prepared to, like, live at an airport because I promise you your flight will be delayed.

FOREVER.

I’m dead serious.

2. Getting dressed

Getting dressed during this whole debacle is the best (read: worst) f*cking thing ever. It is bad enough that in standard cold weather, one is advised to layer up and etc. However, during a Polar Vortex, I swear that I end up wearing my entire wardrobe on my body day in and day out.

How I feel with all that sh*t on.

Regardless of that though, the process OF getting dressed is ridiculous. I’m usually compelled to put on like 4-5 layers ON TOP OF my body-swallowing jacket. And by 1001 layers, I mean:

567876543412 of pants

345676543456 of shirts

∞ pairs of socks

1 Big Ass Jacket

In other words, I perpetually look like this:

Yup. Complete with the scarf and everything.

3. The time it takes to get to class/other places

If you’re familiar with the 43245678754 layers one has to wear just to get from point A to point B in this thing, then you probably also know how f*cking hard it is to walk to and from places. In fact, I pretty much stop walking all together and start waddling.

LOOK! It’s me on the way to class.

In all honesty, it can be supremely frustrating. Consider this: Let’s say that on a normal day, it takes you like 5-10 minutes to get to class or wherever you’re going. Well, if you’re planning on traveling in this weather, I’ve got some advice for you:

But actually. It’s a trap.

But you know, if you do happen to travel, please allow yourself like 3 f*cking hours to get there, because that’s how long it’s gonna take.

You know, if you’re lucky and all.

Lolololololol. Good luck with that.

4. The f*cking wind

While we’re on the subject of getting places, let’s just talk about the malevolent being that is the wind during a polar vortex.

This is what I imagine the wind doing when it’s not busy slapping the sh*t out of me.

It is bad enough that sometimes, you have to walk in weather like this. However, pair that with the fact that the wind ALONE will probably drop this inhuman weather 10 or so more degrees and freezer burn your face in the process, this is what I end up doing and saying:

And by “out”, I mean that I won’t be leaving the comfort of my room at all and I will proceed to wrap myself in like 7683246546 blankets.

 Oh, and you know, being literally blown away is fun too.

WIND, Y U DO DIS!!!???!!!!

5. Chapped lips

If you happen to be brave enough to brave the f*cking wind, please know that you will probably have a bad time because of two very annoying words:

Chapped. Lips.

EGAD!

During this weather, NOTHING, (and I mean NOTHING) can shield you or protect you from the wind and from getting chapped lips. Trust me. I have literally tried everything ranging from chapstick, bee’s wax, Vaseline, cocoa butter, Johnson and Johnson Baby Oil…you name it. But nothing worked.

NOTHING AT ALL:

6. Crowded ass public transit

When faced with satanic wind and cold, subzero temperatures, people tend to do the prudent thing and hop on public transportation. So naturally, you should be inclined to do the same, right?

I just can’t even begin to tell you how wrong you are. I just…I can’t.

During a polar vortex, (or just cold weather in general), people pack public transportation (mostly buses) like f*cking sardine cans. And sometimes, people don’t even “pack” them right and end up leaving legit pockets of space and force you to wait absolutely forever for the next round of transportation

#F*ckMyLife

However, if by any chance you actually make it on one of these sardine cans, you immediately (and I mean IMMEDIATELY) regret it.

Let’s just be real: even with our technological advancements in this day and age, some people still don’t recognize what the words “bath” or “shower” mean. I guess that sh*t doesn’t register in their brains (I’m not really sure what’s up with that)?

In any case, if you happen to be standing next to one of these people, you kind of want to do this:

Or this:

Or maybe even this:

Have fun in that sardine can, my friend.

7. Hearing people complain about cold (but still decently manageable) weather.

I’m not going to be that asshole who invalidates on someone’s right to complain.

HOWEVER, I will be that asshole that judges you for complaining about decently (read: still life and skin-friendly) cold weather.

That I am. I am judging you.

Basically, as someone who spends a decent amount of time in places like the Midwest, Northeast, etc during these things (I.e. the coldest motherf*cking places on the planet. When your place is officially colder than places like Siberia or f*cking Antarctica, you have a problem), it sickens me when people complain about “cold” weather.

A good example is when the weather hits below zero. When that happens, all the negative temperatures feel the same to me: cold as f*ck. So imagine my ire when one of my friends complain about 20-degree or even 10-degree weather. Usually, this is my initial reaction:

YOU UNGRATEFUL, INBRED SWINE.

 And then when I finally simmer down, this is my subsequent reaction:

Aww. I could just punch your right in your spineless, little face.

So, yeah, if you’re that person who complains about 20-degree weather, f*ck you.

In the nicest way possible, of course.

Images From: Gamerbabebullpen.com, Celebquote.com, Tdzdaily.org, Imgfave.com, Content.time.com, Wifflegif.com, Gifric.com, Image.wookie.net, Dropgrabs.com, Mishimishilove.deviantart.com, Imgur.com, Majhost.com, Goodreads.com, Taringa.net, Gifatron.com, Blog.studentlife.com, Houston.culturemap.com, Weatherchannel.com,
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What do you hate about the Polar Vortex? Or about weather in general? Let us know in the comments below!

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