10. The Horned King (“The Black Cauldron”)
He’s last on the list simply because “The Black Cauldron” wasn’t a commercial success leaving many people struggling to remember who the hell this guy is. Despite owning the VHS –that’s how legit this is-for most of my life since childhood (I still don’t know what kind of evil demented person would buy this with children in mind…Oh, my parents) and have only seen it once. And this is what I do remember: The mentally challenged sloth-thingy that clearly had issues beyond the scope of help anyone at the time could offer him; I have no real idea what the plot of the movie was except that a cauldron was involved (hence the title) and the evil dude was scarier than all jeebus.
9. Jafar (“Aladdin”)
Not only was essentially amoral, despite his job as Grand Vizier of Agrabah (whatever the f*ck that means), but his overall plan was not where it should have been. Take over Agrabah, okay, sounds normal. Marry the princess and make her your slave-servant person thingy just so that you can eventually kill her…not normal. Let’s not forget he turns into a cobra and then an all-powerful genie (talk about working your way up).
Oh yeah, he was a threat twice…in two separate movies -albeit one was straight to VHS but that’s not the point.
8. Lady Tremaine (“Cinderella”)
She has no powers at all and she still manages to be a problem. What she lacks physically, she more than makes up for mentally. How else do you think she kept Cinderella in line for years without physical abuse?
The only thing that would make her a better human being was if her two daughters magically won an appearance on ‘Extreme Make-over: Fix My Face, Please’ edition and if she toned down the aggressiveness that the neckline of her dress gives off.
7. Scar (“The Lion King”)
He had absolutely no problem what-so-ever when it came to personally killing his brother (making the whole parental dying thing hit a little bit closer to home than any six year old would like) and making his hyena lackeys go kill his kid nephew.
Can he get any more evil?
He does, not only does he have one the best “villain” songs ever but he also manages to eff up things even after he gets his way. Nature openly defied him and his rule by saying pretty much, “Nope, the grass isn’t going to grow and the rain isn’t going to fall.” And when Scar asks “why?” the Mufasa cloud is going to come out of nowhere and be like “Remember…”
Oh, yeah. He. Killed. Mufasa.
6. Ursula (“The Little Mermaid”)
At least in Hans Christian Andersen’s version she was just an enabler, here, she is a well-dressed (dress tentacles combo, hells yes), heavy set, beyond deep-voiced –imagine Beyoncé’s True Match commercial (that scares all of the sh*ts out of me by itself) and blend it with a handful of nails and some New England clam chowder that came from a can- sea witch that is slightly demented (come on, she had a mer-people garden for Pete’s sake) and is more than capable of holding a grudge.
My take away from that movie is: You are more likely to come out less f*cked over if you had made the deal with Rumpelstiltskin than her (what’s one firstborn anyway?) at least he would let you have some semblance of happiness before seeking payment and not attempt to kill you by making you human at the bottom of the ocean, where the potential for drowning is way up there. As well as attempt to steal your potential dude with your goods.
Plus, the scene where she gets all “Large…er Ursula” and enters Godzilla/Reptar mode is both scary and awesome at the same time, that is until she pretty much got impaled, struck by lightning (which I’m sure flames usually follow that, though I could be wrong) and then explode into a bunch of tiny pieces and scatter into the ocean.
5. Cruella de Vil (“101 Dalmation”)
Shes’s funky looking, way too angular/pointy for her own good and she wants to skin puppies…for fashion…enough said.
4. Maleficent (“Sleeping Beauty”)
Epitome of “Good Girl gone Bad” or does everyone forget that she was a fairy. She’s obviously a fairy with issues because she cursed a baby… simply because she wasn’t invited to the christening. Not even trying to be a butt-hole, but it’s a christening those things are kind of boring and I would be over the moon if I didn’t get invited (note: says nothing about the fact the victim was an infant) but I guess to Maleficent it was the ultimate slap in the face.
If you ask me, it’s a bit much, but then she can turn into a fire breathing dragon so she gets a pass.
3. Claude Frollo (“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”)
The whole of this movie was f*cked up and this means a lot coming from me. It was extremely dark for an animated “children’s movie” almost like The Black Cauldron, except this one is veiled by nice music, catchy songs and Tom Hulce. One of which I sang frequently around the house, not knowing what it meant and for whatever reason my parents did not see fit to stop it. We all know that song…
“Why is he in the top 3, he was just an old man?” *said in nasally, whiny voice*
Um, that’s exactly why. It was legit a good five minutes into the movie and he already killed a woman and immediately tries to follow this up with dropping a baby into a well. And then he makes things even worse when as an attempt at penance-that was forced on him by an archdeacon- he raises the kid (i.e. locks him in the attic and makes him ring gigantic bells all day…Disney made all of this seem way better than the original did) and kicks his already low self-esteem in the face on the daily.
And to make matters worse he is “lusting” all on the same chick –he also wants to kill her, he is a very complex dude- that Quasimodo loves based on the genuine kindness he showed her. And when the object of his very strange and creepy old man obsessions refuses him it’s pretty much the whole “b*tch has to die now” thing. And at some point in the movie he has a hand in letting the crowd of people ridicule the poor dude. This guy is an all-around (xenophobic) dream smasher.
2. Man (“Bambi”)
First things first, Bambi wrecked my entire childhood. So much so, I have only seen it once and still remember it scene for scene.
Even though Bambi’s mother was killed by a hunter off-screen the impact is still there. Man, Disney has a thing for sending small children into mass paranoia of the possibility of losing a parent, other examples:
- The Lion King
- Tarzan (twice, double whammy)
- Hunchback of Notre Dame
- The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Beginning (this is here for laughs because that one was funny)
- The Fox and The Hound
This list could go on forever. Does Disney just not like parents and kill them off in “meaningful” ways just to further the plot? I guess.
Then there was the forest fire the second horribly sad thing to happen in a movie filled with horribly sad things. For some reason in my mind (most likely because I am proudly a child of the ‘90s) I mash up the forest fire scene with the whole of that Fox movie Fern Gully and the Smoky the Bear commercials. This is probably the reason I give all of mankind the side-eye.
1. The Evil Queen (“Snow White”)
She wanted Snow White dead and her heart placed in a wonderfully decorated jewelry box and delivered to her…WTF, this is beyond sick and evil. And when this didn’t work she took upon herself to go into total hag mode and do the deed herself, albeit making her eat strange apples from even stranger people
At least it’s not like that remake with Bella Swan in it, which made close to no sense at all.
- Shere Khan (“The Jungle Book”)
In my mind if Hannibal Lector had to be reincarnated as a Disney villain it would be him. Just think about it, he’s cold, calculating, and he’s a sociopath (even if humans killed his family). Then there is the articulate and polite way he handles his victims.
- Ratigan (“The Great Mouse Detective”)
If we look past the fact he is essentially the anthropomorphic rat version of James Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes (he is also scary looking as all hell), we will see him for what he really is…a rat with a PET CAT. He bucked the system and trains cats for sport, this isn’t even right.
- Hans (“Frozen”)
Even though the movie wasn’t classically animated -something I greatly miss in Disney movies- he was still a b*tch. It wasn’t even like he was outright evil, he is mainly on this list because his ass-wipe level was on twenty at the end of the movie. His best moment to me was when it was literally like “who get’s dibs on punching his face in?”
I guess Anna won out…this must be the end result….
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