The time of year when classes are either over or coming to an end. This can only mean it’s exam time. Usually, this event will whittle away at even the most stable psyche revealing either one of two things:
- Student A
- You have your actual life together. You also most likely did all of your work at the time it was due. Another thing, you probably know what the inside of the library looks like since you’re there whenever an assignment is need of getting done. Overall, you’re pretty average and well-rounded.
- Student B
- You spent the better half of the semester hidden away in a spider/Hobbit hole (pick which ever applies), slowly devolving into a Gollum-like creature while spending many hours sitting at the desk in your room thinking: “How can you have free time and not have to worry about any pesky assignments creeping up on you when you least expect it?” Do it ahead of time! Then wander into class whenever you feel a test coming up.
Needless to say….I’m student B.
What? I’m lazy, I have classes, I work and have tons of crap going on while still trying to have a social life. There’s nothing wrong with that. All that matters is at the end of the day, you pass the class and give your alma mater the finger by not giving it any more money while being a five year senior.
And now, I present to you The Idiots Guide: How To Procrastinate (with Style)
During the week leading up to your fateful exam do all of the following:
1. Binge watch anything interesting on Netflix
Grab a bag of buttery popcorn or pretty much anything detrimental to your future health. Put on your fav onesie and park it in front of the tube. Whether it’s Weeds (which I highly recommend as I did a psych paper on it), Breaking Bad, Skins, or a throw-back to the nineties, I promise you those eight seasons well feel like nothing even though they take up the whole of three days.
2. Be a part in the random “get together” thing outside, simply because you felt like it
You walked by and it seemed pretty legit, plus they were passing out free food and drinks. I’m not gonna be like the rest of the world that lies and says dumbass things like “Free” is my middle name, but I feel like it should have been. Wasting the day, eating free food, listening to good music and enjoying the nice weather that decided to show itself after that frozen hell-scape of a winter we just experienced is a great way to procrastinate.
Hang out, have a good time, and meet people. Sit on the grass and quietly make up funny scenarios for people as they walk by.
And you know, every thing will probably be awesome until someone decides to put on the one song–lies–that grates on my nerves, “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly. That song usually signals my departure. To make things worse, my college forces this song on you until you eventually accept it.
At this point, there is only one course of action: fade away into nothingness.
3. Go “Thrifting”
If you are in college and you don’t know what that is, leave right now.
Because I seriously have had to explain what this to students on my campus.
If I had it my way, I probably would have a storage container, containing all of the things a found at bargain prices and have either one of the three “Thrifting R’s” (re-upholster, re-design, re-paint). Now that I think about it, I do have a storage place: it’s called my parents’ house. Next fall, when I live in an apartment and not a jank ass dorm, I am going to bring all of my finds with me.
Then there are the spectacular fashion finds.
Whenever I show my pieces to my mom, she just looks at me like she can’t believe I shop at thrift stores. But, it makes sense to me. My style is a strange mash-up of relaxed vintage/bohemian. These are all things that were in style in earlier years and can easily be found in thrift stores. In my opinion, “actual” vintage print looks WAY better than the re-created modern versions of vintage prints.
Obviously, hours are being wasted.
2 days before:
4. Decide that you can’t possibly study because your face isn’t right (i.e. your eyebrows are busted)
You wake up that morning and look into the mirror and notice your face is off (i.e. your eyebrows are busted). I can’t speak for everybody else, but I can’t sit down and focus when I know that my “being” isn’t right and that to me means that either my hygiene or meditation (spiritual-ness) needs to be taken care of.
Things also get worse when your roommate jumps at the chance to rip the eyebrow follicles off of your face one-by-one.
Making you cry and call her all types of expletives.
5. Take a break–despite not doing anything–and inadvertently test fate by losing all concept of time by f*cking with The Sims series in general.
It doesn’t matter how trained you think you are, all that sh*t goes out of the window whenever you decide to play The Sims. Whether it’s on console or PC, you are going to be sucked into the screen as a whole and then find yourself singing and saying things in “Similish” and swearing that you understand it.
Then, when you decide to give your bladder a break and actually go to the restroom, you come back to notice that the sun went down hours ago. In the end, you can only blame the two hours you spent building a “Sim Dream House” and being a complete evil ass fart by ruining your Sim’s lives in any way possible.
Yes, I am that horrible.
6. Wake up and realize your room is a trifling evil all its own and try to fight back by “attempting” to clean up.
I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I cannot operate (and guarantee positive results) in a room that would be better off straight up obliterated off of the face of the Earth.
Usually, it begins by arguing with roommate over who gets to Swiffer. This is a legitimate argument…over who can half-ass clean the floors the best. I am more often than not the winner, I like to attribute it to my bad accent, making the “r” in “Swiffer” sound close to non-existent and instead turning it into an “a” sound, as the reason for my victories.
For some reason, I find it oddly appropriate to watch “Hoarders: Buried Alive” while cleaning. It just makes me feel better about my life. Just knowing somewhere out there, there is a residence that is far worse than mine makes me feel so much better about everything.
7. Notice its the night before and you have accomplished nothing.
Right now, things get serious and the countdown begins.
The true test of being a legitimate college student is the ability to handle pressure. And this is one of those skills that just get better as you go. Sit there and go every piece of information that your book, notes and Google has to offer. Hopefully, it doesn’t take too many hours until you finally understand what’s going on or at least are able to act like you absorbed something.
Then when you close your eyes for all of like five minutes, you wake up to find your exam has already started. And when you do get there and stare at the paper trying to make sense of anything there, you realize…
“Oh, sh*t…I learned nothing.”