If you were expecting me to finish that title off with “up to no good”, then I am sorry to disappoint.
Moving on, as you know, our site is undergoing a bit of an overhaul. A personal overhaul, so to speak. And this is all thanks to the venerable AJ.
AJ, this site wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t for you and your always amazing ideas. I have enjoyed our partnership and friendship and I will continue to enjoy it.
Here’s to you, my ride-or-die.
Anyways, I NOTORIOUSLY hate sharing things about myself, (it leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and sh*t and frankly, that sh*t unnerving), but I’m aware that I have some influence and an interesting—albeit brash as hell—voice because of this here blog.
And that is something that I do not take for granted.
So as a result of that and as a result of being inspired by the Godfather of this blog and her amazing, amazing There and Back Again post, here’s my own letter to myself.
To my younger and alarmingly cynical self,
Never forget the time that AJ ran up to you like a maniac and pitched this crazy ass blog idea to you. Never forget the excitement you got when you actually sat down to give it a thought. Never forget the bewildered look you got from “friends” who just thought you were way over your head. “Are you crazy?” They said. “You can do better things with your time.” They said. Never forget what it felt like to have you and AJ’s creation mistaken for and legitimate news site (you might not be there yet, but you are on your way). Never forget how it felt to be officially introduced to the harsh world of the internet due to some jackass feeling inadequate and itching to put somebody—anybody—down. And never forget your totally righteous reply to said douche-bag, which earned you the respect of many.
Now that you are at a fairly okay place in your life, how do you feel? I hope you feel good, because you deserve to feel good—great even—out of everyone you know. I hope college is going well for you now, because God knows that the first two years were the hardest thing you ever had to make it through in your natural-born life. I hope you returned to theater at some point, because even though it is chock-full of b*tches and divas that want to get you down, you can’t do deny that you made some quality friends despite that. I hope you have found renewed faith in Christianity. Yes, there are bigots—and quite often they are MUCH, MUCH louder than Christians with good hearts—but I hope you remember that Jesus loves you, was definitely not a bigot, and is the only one you should really be giving a f*cking about. I hope you are still writing and writing well, because Lord knows that you need to show Hollywood something that doesn’t end in the words “reboot”, “remake”, or “Michael Bay” (and his motherf*cking, gratuitous explosions).
I also hope you haven’t let life get you down, because in all honesty, that sh*t can suck sometimes. Friends that you never thought would leave your side, ditch you for the first shiny thing—or boy/girl—that they see. Or sometimes, the way that they decide to hurt you burns way deeper than that and it can leave you feeling bitter, angry, jaded or all three.
And then there’s family. By God, I don’t even know how to describe the simultaneous trauma and influence that these people can bring to your life. Granted, there is good family and bad family. Hopefully, you realize that you have been blessed with good family (and I hope that by this point in time, all the good has outweighed the bad). Your brother can quite frankly—and quite humorously—be described as your ride or die; so don’t lose that and always cherish that. And then there’s your sister. Sure, your relationship with her hasn’t always been as smooth as you would like, but you guys are in a good place right now and don’t forget it. And don’t even think about forgetting your mom.
I know, I know. What does she have to do with anything?
Let me explain something to you, younger Lex.
Your mom is not perfect, but realize that no one is. Realize that though you have vehemently disagreed with many of the methods that your mom utilized to raise you, she raised you the only way she knew how and gave you all the love that she could. You can resent her for her shortcomings or you can embrace them—and her—and learn from them.
Also realize that you have adopted family that has literally always been at your side. Be it your best friends’ parents or an old family friend, these people are here for you too.
But there is also bad family and you definitely have it. In fact, it has found a way to manifest itself and all its evil into a singular person: your father…who you so humorously refer to as your sperm donor.
Pettiness aside, I am not going to argue for that guy. He is a sh*t human being and it is a miracle you made it this far in life with that person as your father. He took each and every opportunity he could to break you and your barely functional family down. But somehow you made it. You made it and you did it all by your damned self. Never forget how it felt when you told him to go f*ck himself and to keep his money. Never forget how it felt to finally be free from his grasp and to finally declare that elusive film major.
Remember that moment, as it was your most badass moment thus far.
But also be thankful to the douche-bag, even if it is for one thing: being instrumental in bringing about your existence.
Although I will add that if the good Lord really wanted you here (like re-he-a-he-a-heally wanted you here), he would have found another way—and another sperm donor—to do it (just in case your douche-bag feels entitled to your respect just because of that).
If had to choose, he wouldn’t have been your father.
But that’s none of my business nor is it my concern anymore.
Anyways, I know that you are probably dismayed at the amount of “suck” that I have just explained, but realize that you have good things going in your life too. As I said above, realize that you do have family that gives a f*ck about you. Realize that you do have friends who love you, who care for you, and who would never even entertain a singular thought that regarded hurting you. Realize that these are the same friends who discourage you from settling into your emotionally constipated ways—yes, I did just use those two words together—and who give you a shoulder to cry on, however rare your crying may be. Realize that these same friends are the same people that listen to you b*tch, even before you consider transferring said bitching session to the Zoo. Realize that these are the same friends who won’t leave you hanging in tough moments and who will bring you milk and ginger ale when your bills have all but decimated your pitiful paycheck.
Real recognizes real and your friends—the few ones you have—are real, my friend.
Never forget that.
And now that I’ve rambled about things that you shouldn’t forget, I want you do something for me:
I want you to solemnly swear not to give a singular, flying f*ck.
To elaborate, I want you to not give a f*ck about the people who have hurt you. You don’t have time for that. I want you to not give a f*ck about people who think they can stop you. You don’t have time for that either. I want you to give less of a f*ck about school and more of a f*ck about education. College will be pointless for you if you don’t try to get something meaningful out of it.
Furthermore, do not be scared to fail. I’m serious. You cannot succeed, if you do not TRY and refusing to try automatically results in failure. Period. Your dreams are big and they are lofty and you have never lied to yourself about that or apologized to anyone for dreaming those dreams. However, I need you to put the fear aside. If you let fear cripple you and the idea of stable success or a “stable job” get under your skin, you’re never going to get where you’re going. Do you want to know where you’re going? I’ll tell you. When I look out into your near future, I see a writer. And not just any writer. I see one of those writers that do damn near everything…BECAUSE THEY CAN. I see a director. I see an author. I see a producer. I see a screenwriter. I see a TV Writer. And most importantly, I see a boss.
A motherf*cking boss.
But do not be fooled: the road ahead of you is going to be long and hard. You are going to experience hardships along the way that you never prepared yourself for. You will probably lose friends and family that you thought would always be there. And you will get thisclose to losing your goddamned mind. People will always judge you for whatever reason and people will always have something to say. But I want you to always remember that you have been through worse—by God, you have been through worse—and you have survived worse. And then at the end of every day, I want you to remember to do one thing:
Solemnly swear not to give a single f*ck.
I believe in you and you should believe in you too.
From one badass to another,
The Older, wiser you
Here’s one for the road, people:
Images: Awesomeluuvie.com, Gifsoup.com, Blogspot.com, Customvinylprints.com