…Also known as 10 annoying things about being temporarily crippled/disabled.
Hello, lovers of the Zoo. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve compiled an “annoying list” for you guys. Seeing as now is a best as any, I decided to draft this up for your amusement. Anyways, this list is based on my latest adventure of suffering an unfortunate leg injury. I hope to be better soon, but if anything good can come of this, I hope it is this list.
And now, without further ado, here are 10 annoying things about being crippled:
1. One step becomes a thousand miles.
(Before I begin, I should probably point out that this list is going to focus mostly on leg-related injuries. However, if you can still relate, than by all means continue to relate.)
Since I have become injured, I have grown allergic to walking (read: moving at all) because of this. Not only does being injured turn walking into this mass exodus you have to take, but if there is any extreme weather involved (hello, summertime), I feel the need to weep bitterly.
Walking from one end of room to another turns into an eternity. It is not fun.
2. Hills are the spawn of Satan.
If you thought walking (read: moving) is bad, imagine how worse it becomes when a hill is involved.
So let me say this: F*CK hills. They are such a pain in the ass and there is a 23049283943200942830984% chance that you might re-injure yourself on them when you have to cross over them. The only thing that would make this worse is if this was a f*cking mountain. Sh*t.
3. Help becomes necessary…regardless of if you hate asking for it.
Let it be known: I am a prideful motherf*cker. And, you known, I feel like we all are, deep down inside anyways.
That being said, I am not lying when I say that all of that goes out the window when you suffer an injury that limits your mobility by a significant margin.
When I first got injured, I thought I was going to be able to hop back to business as usual with no problem. Then surgery happened and I realized that I’d have to be dependent on my friends and family around me even if I didn’t want to, because I was not able to fully take care of myself right now.
And with that being the case, I am grateful for my friends and family and I am grateful that they have been very understanding through this entire process.
4. You have to plan out baths…or any type of hygiene.
Ah, hygiene. It is very strange when something that appears to be so easy becomes so hard.
Anyways, being injured changes things and hygiene is one of them. Instead of just hopping into the shower or simply brushing your teeth like you are used to, you usually have to take extra precaution (especially with the shower thing) to make sure taking a simple bath/shower does not turn into a death sentence. Help will most certainly be needed here (make sure it is coming from someone you trust, though).
If you try to go at this alone, you will end up like this:
5. If you go anywhere, you make sure you are 0.00000001 miles to the bathroom.
I made this mistake some weeks ago. I went out to some restaurant with friends and for some reason, I let the group sit far away from the bathroom.
Needless to say, that bit me in the ass later when I needed to use it and we were 304892342083403 miles away.
In all seriousness, make sure you are, like, on top of the bathroom or right next to it. Nothing sucks more than having to bolt across the restaurant with limited mobility and an exploding stomach.
6. On that note, going to the bathroom turns into a journey to Mordor.
Ah yes. Even if you succeed in sitting right next to the bathroom, the process of “going” is always hellish…to say the least. When my injury was fresh, I basically needed to be carried “Frodo” style to the bathroom (talk about a shock to your pride).
As the weeks of gone on, however, I’ve become better at this. Nevertheless, if it was up to me, I would forgo most body functions while injured, just to make my life a bit easier.
7. And on THAT note, here’s one word: constipation.
I don’t know if it is because I am moving less, but this is a BIG one (haha, see what I did there?). I say this with all honesty because my diet hasn’t really changed. In fact, if it has, it is for the better.
For example, I started drinking more fluids at the recommendation of a medical professional friend who anticipated this.
Needless to say, it didn’t work.
My biggest helpers here have been stool softner (I know, right? Ewww) and my penchant for being 0.0000001 miles away from the bathroom. Had I not had these things…let’s just say that the world would be a slightly messier place.
8. Meds become your best friend.
I know this sounds bad, but it’s kind of true. I am grateful for my things like pain medicine. If I didn’t have them, I’m pretty sure I would be writhing on the floor (haphazardly anyways, due to my injury) in agony. Injuries suck, but so do the days post-surgery.
9. Meds become your worst enemy.
I know that I seem inconsistent, but hear me out. While medicine is mostly a blessing, at times it can work as a curse.
My main example is drowsiness. I am usually wide awake right before I take my medicine for the day. However, when I do take my medicine, I usually end up dozing off.
This is usually not a problem…until I have somewhere to go. And then, at that point, I usually function like a narcoleptic.
10. If hills are the spawn of Satan, stairs are the seed that conceived them.
Let it be declared to the Heaven and Earth: I F*CKING hate stairs. I hate them. I hate those pieces of sh*t.
Not only are they more bothersome than hills, but they are so rigid and unwelcoming and it always makes the injury harder to deal with or move around.
Bonus points if that is the only way to get up and down a building (I will be addressing this in a later post…like tomorrow).
In closing, being injured is not fun, but I gotta admit that I have learned some life lessons because of it. For example: I am one impatient motherf*cker.
Anyways, stay tuned for Part 2 of this post. That’s right, my friends. I am such an asshole and being injured is so annoying that I had to split my dissatisfaction with it into TWO f*cking parts.
Check back tomorrow for Part 2!
Do you have any experiences or stories about being injured? Let me know in the comments below!
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