Love (sh*t, like even) is weird and complicated, but there’s no denying that everyone (well, assuming everyone) wants a piece of it or wants to experience it on some capacity.
That being said, in this day and age, people are trying their hands at all sorts of methods in pursuit of this elusively appealing entity called “love” (yes, the quotation marks were intention). One of the hottest methods as of late is a wildly popular app called Tinder. The popularity of this so-called app is so far reaching that it has inspired a number of creative promotional campaigns—one of the most recent examples feature The Mindy Project—as well as possibly inspiring a number of TV shows (one of the newest TV shows on this fall’s lineup—A to Z—heavily features a Tinder-like app/dating service).
So naturally, many people have curiously and bravely embarked on trying their luck on the exceedingly popular app…including myself.
I know; I know. It’s very shocking, but for the sake of brevity and for the purpose of preserving the incoming and sheer shock and hilarity I experienced during my short time playing with the app (3 days to be exact), I will just call my experience a “social experiment”.
“Social experiment” aside, Tinder is honestly weird as f*ck and the people that can be found on their—men, women, or whatever you identify as—are weirder. I could quite honestly write at least a short story on the bullsh*t I experienced over the past three days as a result of the app, but I’m going to stick to what I do best: lists.
So, without further ado, here are ten people who cannot (read: can-f*cking-not) be trusted on Tinder.
1. People who have less than 3 pictures cannot be trusted.
I cannot even count how many times I swiped left because someone only had like one or two pictures total on their Tinder profile.
Why I’m so skeptical of this?
Well, for starters, there’s a 99% that there will be no variety in less than three pictures. People want to know what they’re getting into and two pictures is not going cutting it. This point especially hits home if this alleged Tinderer (is that even a word?) is missing a full-body shot or missing a face-shot.
As superficial (read: straightforward) as this is, people want to see how you look. It’s that simple.
2. People who have ONLY one picture cannot be trusted.
This is garners an automatic swipe TO THE LEFT.
Honestly, this is basically a re-hash of number one, but it’s worse. You know why? Because 9 times out of 10, this one picture is GOING to be body shot. Seriously. I’ve got it down to a science.
Unless you look like some cross between Gollum and God-knows-what, show your face. Please.
3. People who are shirtless or only wearing bikinis in ALL of their pictures cannot be trusted.
I mean, besides the dead giveaway that a person is vain and self-serving as f*ck (I mean, if you’re into that hey *shrugs*), I have also found that:
A. An entire gallery of shirtless Tinder pictures is a dead giveway that a man is probably going to be a f*ck-boy. Don’t know what that is? Urban Dictionary has your back, yo.
B. An entire gallery of bikini Tinder pictures is a dead giveaway that a woman is probably going to be a spambot OR is probably part of some escort service and will be charging you at least $892743093842 dollars to “chill”.
Just save yourself some time and trouble by automatically swiping left for these asshats.
4. People who wear sunglasses in ALL of their Tinder pictures cannot be trusted.
All these damn Tinder photos and you aren’t showing your eyes in at LEAST one? Seriously?! Do you even have eyes?!
Also, this is yet another dead giveaway when it comes to a dude’s f*ckboy status in particular.
5. People who have written absolutely nothing for their Tinder bio cannot be trusted.
I have read on the interwebs that guys in particular are often encouraged to leave their Tinder bios blank for whatever reason (it’s mysterious, it’s *edgy*, etc, etc).
Let me be honest with you: don’t do that sh*t.
I have witnessed many a swiping to the left because some poor unfortunate soul didn’t even care to write at least ONE sentence in their bios.
Women aren’t immune to this either. Most of the time, you are automatically dismissed as a spambot if you didn’t care to write a singular word, (talk less a sentence).
In short: Don’t sit there and write an epic, but at least care enough to tell us why the f*ck you’re here in the first place. Bonus points if you find some way to be edgy or witty without reminding us all of insufferable people (read: hipsters).
6. People who start a conversation with something uber suggestive cannot be trusted.
Sometimes, and I mean only sometimes, f*ck-boys and f*ck-girls somehow make it past your asshole radar and get that coveted swipe to the RIGHT.
And then when you go in for that subsequent conversation, all hell breaks lose.
What am I talking about? Well, let me explain:
Starting a conversation with things like “Sit on my face and I’ll…” or “Let me ride you and I’ll…” earn (read: deserve) an AUTOMATIC unmatch.
I mean, if you are into the above things, go for it by all means. However, if you’re not and are actually looking for a something more tangible and/or long-term, UNMATCH THIS PERSON BY ALL MEANS AND RUN.
7. People who start a conversation with any variation of “heeeey”, “heyyyyyy”, “hiiiii”, or “hhhhhi” cannot be trusted.
You know, I really hated high school (save for like the last two years), but it did teach me one valuable lesson:
People who use more than one “e” or “y” in “hey” or use more than one “h” or “i” in “hi” CANNOT and SHOULD not be trusted at all costs.
As I learned in high school and subsequently in life, people who resort to this method are usually thirsty as hell and unless you are down for that, I suggest you unmatch this person…seeing as they have unfortunately be swiped right if you are in this situation to begin with.
And by the slim chance that they are not thirsty, they are probably annoying as f*ck; either way I would unmatch them, but that’s just my two cents, so…
8. People who use too many kissy face, heart, and or monkey-covers-its-face emojis cannot be trusted.
This is equally, if not more, annoying than number seven and doesn’t even require much explanation. If you cannot carry on a sentence without flooding it with ∞ emojis, not only do I not want to talk to you, but I instantly want to unmatch you and then subsequently reach through my phone and punch you in the face.
And that’s on a good day.
9. People who instantly want you to send them a picture after thirty seconds of conversation cannot be trusted.
Forget thirsty. Forget desperate. This is just creepy and should earn an automatic unmatch. Period.
10. People who instantly want to come over or want you to come over after thirty seconds of conversation cannot be trusted.
No one—and I mean no one—has time to end up on some God-forsaken Lifetime movie, inspire a Lifetime movie, or worse, end up on a sordid episode of Catfish. Spare yourself the unnecessary risk and danger and just unmatch this weirdo.
Have anything to add? Got any funny Tinder or online dating stories? Let me know in the comments below.
Images From: FairlyOddParents.wikia.com, Buzzfeed.com, Wifflegif.com, Facebook, Imgur.com, Giphy.com, Rebloggy.com, The Huffington Post, TheHollywoodGossip.com, Gifirific.com, Weknowmemes.com,