How’s it going, lovers of the Zoo? Once again, I offer up apologies for being mostly absent. As I enter my last year of college, things only get realer from here; so I can’t promise that I won’t be doing more disappearing.
That being said, my return comes with a bit of a catch.
As most of y’all know—unless you are willfully hiding under a rock or something—some nasty sh*t has gone down while I’ve been inactive.
Said sh*t includes the terrorist attack that happened in Charleston, South Carolina.
Now, while us zookeepers addressed the laughable—and negligent—coverage it got on our Facebook page, I decided that I had to properly and snarkily address the sh*tty coverage the best way that I knew how: with a list.
So, without further ado, I present to you 12 annoying things about the media post-Charleston:
1. CNN and friends covering that one CVS for a straight week but refusing to even mention the burning of churches.
You KNOW which CVS I’m talking about. The busted, brick one in Baltimore? Yeah, that’s the one.
CNN practically sat their asses in front of this CVS as it burned during the uprising. They lapped it up. Drooled over it even.
All the 3240824092840298430 peaceful protests that were going on around it?
Not so much.
Now CNN wasn’t the only one engaging in this tomfoolery, but since they want to tote themselves as “the most trusted name in news”, they have become the object of my ire.
2. Watching a spray-tanned Twinkie go on a press circuit while CNN and friends play dumb about Charleston
CNN gave Rachel “I’m Going to Single White Female Every Black Woman Ever” Dolezal 24 HOUR COVERAGE when she was exposed. You couldn’t escape the heifer. She was everywhere. She was like that mosquito bite you get that refuses to stop itching. She was like that rock that sneaks into your shoe and ruins your entire goddamn day. Or worse. She was like the alumni office of your alma mater hitting you up for money for the third time this month even though your dog just died, you’re foreclosing on your home, and you’re out of work.
And annoying as f*ck.
Yet when it came time for CNN to cover this atrocious terrorist attack, CNN did things like:
– Playing coy about Dylan the Terrorist’s motives…as if a manifesto about how much you hate Black people and how much you want to kill them is not enough to prove that you want to kill them…???
– Running with the typical “lone wolf”/“mentally ill” narrative instead of calling the dude what he is…a racist and a terrorist.
Which brings me to my next point:
3. When people can’t call a duck a duck or a spade a spade
Or in this case, terrorism.
The media loves terrorism. They love the way it sounds. It rolls off the tongue like some Godiva chocolate or a crisp ass bottle of Sunny D. There’s so much love for it that that groups like ISIS remain in public consciousness, as outlets like CNN are so determined to cover them.
On the flip side, when it comes to addressing terrorism of the paler variety, CNN and friends suddenly can’t put White and Terrorism in the same sentence.
Hell to the f*ck no.
4. Having no one give a sh*t about mental illness until some bigoted White boy inevitably kills a bunch of people
How convenient is it that every time an entitled White boy decides to take a bunch of unrelated civilian lives, he *magically” has a mental illness?
My personal favorite? Affluenza.
But you know, the awareness it brings to mental illness is interesting. As someone who suffers from depression, it’s really nice to know that everyone thinks the worse of my illness and thinks that it somehow makes me 409384203984029840932 times more likely to go postal.
5. The fact that all these bigoted White boys sport the same haircut
As shade maestro Luvvie Ajayi pointed out some weeks ago, all these racist motherf*ckers sport the same bum ass haircut. What I mean to say is they have the nerve to be coming at the rest of us with their hair looking like Coconut Head’s from Ned’s Declassified.
And it makes me wonder: do they have the same barber? What did you do to your barber to deserve such a repugnant haircut? In fact, do they even have a barber? Do these ass-wipes meet at the same Masters of Evil HQ in their mom’s basement to complain about how oppressed they are/want to be?
I NEED ANSWERS.
6. Having CNN and friends come at you sideways with a killer’s unwanted backstory
You ever notice that as soon as some White boy kills a bunch of people, everybody takes it upon themselves to, I don’t know, tell you what his favorite color was?
CNN killed me with this one. As soon as that terrorist did what he did, CNN wanted to talk about how many puppies this dude saved from some fire, or what his hobbies were, or whether he slept with a night light or whether he thought the dress was blue and black or white and gold or whether or not he was quiet in school. And then have the cojones to add that he was “a good kid”.
Little, wittle, fragile Dylan was not little, wittle, or fragile when he decided to waltz up in a church, sit there for the whole damn service and then shoot it up. Dude is calculated. Dude is violent. Dude is racist.
Don’t come at me trying to humanize him when we all know if he had been a Deshawn or a Dhakir, you would be digging up his motherfu*king ultrasound if you thought it could incriminate him and dehumanize him.
You’re not slick, CNN. And you will never be.
7. Coming across the wrong side of Tumblr where said killer has fans
Just when I start to like and get used to Tumblr, Tumblr shows its ass and lets me know how f*cked up it is.
Case in point, I mistakenly found myself in the hella f*cked part of Tumblr one day—don’t ask me how—and I came across a post where large group of White girls where fawning over known serial killers, rapists, and terrorists (including the Charleston terrorist).
It went something like this:
“Omg! He is so hot”
“I wish he would come my town!”
“Ugh. I’d love for him to hurt me.”
What in the ever loving f*ck.
I just…I don’t have enough words to cover how perturbed I am so I’ma just leave this GIF here:
8. Happening across said killer’s Indiegogo and/or Go FundMe page
Are you disgruntled with the American dream? Are you all about get rich quick schemes? Are you just simply bored? Well, if so, say no more. If you want a cool mil, all you gotta do is shoot lil’ Tyrone from down the street and not only will you get a paid vacation to Barbados or some sh*t but you’ll have bigots across the US throwing large stacks of money at you like you’re at the club.
9. Fox having anything to say period
Most of us have established that Fox News functions as devil’s megaphone and/or ass-crack (you be the judge) and have determined that whatever they say is of no value. However, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, they continue to exist and they continue to cater to a sizable audience.
Moving on, Fox’s nonexistent “War on Christianity” has seemingly and conveniently cropped up post-Charleston, but oddly enough, they have not sh*t to say about the burning of Black churches that is currently happening south of the Mason Dixon line.
Honestly, why are they still on television?
10. Don Lemon
Let me just start this off by saying that if I were to ever make Dave Chappelle’s famous Race Draft skit an actual thing, Donny boy would be the first motherf*cker to go.
Well, that or I would kick everybody in the face at CNN and then shoot Donny into the sun.
I have always found Don Lemon to be quite ignorant, ill-informed, offensive, and just all-around sh*tty at his supposed “job”. From his victim-blaming during an interview with a Cosby accuser (“lol why didn’t you bite his dick lol”), to his racially charged remark about weed while in Ferguson (“lol I smell marijuana guys, y’all smoke that right???”), to his very recent remarks that somehow the n-word and the confederate flag are the same type of offensive (yes, because the reclamation of a dehumanizing slur is the S A M E as a literal symbol of oppression. FACTS!), Don Lemon has proved himself to be a donkey’s ass of a journalist.
Why he continues to try to be “hard-hitting” is beyond me. He needs to sit that hard head down in a hard seat and shut the f*ck up. Hard.
11. The irony of the hashtag #WhoIsBurningBlackChurches
Let’s not play these games. We know who is burning these churches. Billy Bob Joe, Cletus, and their cousin-sisters Tammy-Lynn and Becky Ann are doing it all in the name of White supremacy. In fact, Cletus probably called his White-hooded buddies from the down the way and made this ol’ thing a party. Yee-haw!
On a serious note, it’s likely that I’m slightly off, but I wouldn’t know…because your favorite news outlets either refuse to cover these various crimes or give it minimal coverage.
12. Anyone who is mad that #AllLivesMatter hasn’t caught on
Literally DAYS after the terrorist attack against Charelston church happened, Hillary Rodham “I Am Out Of Touch” Clinton went into a Black Church and said “All Lives Matter”.
Aside from the fact that that guarantees I will not be voting for her ignorant ass, her faux pas also reminded me that people refuse to let this “All Lives Matter” bullsh*t go. And you know I’d like to help with that by telling people to get the f*ck over themselves.
Do you show up to a funeral talking about “MY DOG DIED ONCE GUYS”?
Do you show up an Autism fundraiser event talking about “OKAY AUTISM IS A THING, BUT ASBERGERS??? I KNOW THEY’RE ON THE SAME SPECTRUM, BUT STILL!”?
Do you show up to a breast cancer walk talking about “BUT GUYS. PROSTATE CANCER THO??? AMIRITE????”?
Everything’s got a time and a place. And now is not the time or place to be yelling “All Lives Matter”. Furthermore, “All Lives Matter” is obvious. It’s like saying “Water is wet” or “1+1 is 2”.
WE KNOW THIS.
But you know what some people DON’T know or refuse to acknowledge? The fact that Black Lives Matter.
You wanna argue that they do know? Alright. Go ahead. But then I’d ask you to explain why Black folks—men, women, children, trans folk, queer folk and etc—continue to get gunned down by the po-po indiscriminately. Why aren’t the police having the answer for these killings? Why are Black people being attacked in their places of WORSHIP (y’all really too scared to go to the hood and do this, huh?)? Let’s not even get into gentrification, racist renting practices, and the like.
To get to the point where “All Lives Matter” is a legitimate (and non-silencing) statement, something crucial must be one about the state of Black lives.
And that’s not going to happen if we pretend that there’s no problem and that it’s all rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns out here. Because guess what? It’s not. Hate to burst your bubble.
Images From: Tumblr, PBS, Netflix, Awesomely Luvvie, Imgur.com, Giphy.com, Pheed.com, Scandyfactory.com, Thegrumpyoldgeek.com, Nkayesel.com, Gifsoup.com, Pinterest.com, Diylol.com