I always hated the Duggars, even as a small child.
Since the inception of their weird ass show, I thought there was something off about the whole of this family and I thought the dad, in particular, looked like some type of sex offender…much like I always thought Jared the former Subway dude looked like a pedophile.
So, I was not shocked to learn that my suspicions were correct, even if they were slightly off, as the person in the family who was actually the sick f*ck was Josh Duggar.
And even when that came to light, his “transgressions” against his sisters and other women were dismissed as him “being a kid” and “not knowing any better”.
Watching the entire thing unfold made me feel kind of bad for the women involved and reinforced something for me:
American media outlets like to bend over backward to protect White dudes.
Sometimes it’s humorous, like Mike Huckabee pulling out every unintelligible thought out of his ass and sometimes it’s more infuriating, like skirting around calling Dylann Roof a domestic terrorist or not denouncing Josh for his sexually repulsive behavior, because, like, “human nature” and God forgives us all, right?
The mental gymnastics some people undergo to defend this kind of sh*t is scary, man. Scary.
Still, Josh ended up being dragged by all the right people when it was all said and done and he continues to be.
That being said, nothing could have prepared me for the shock (and utter laughter) I experienced when Karma decided to drop yet another “L” on top of Josh’s thumbtack lookin’ ass by exposing his Ashley Madison account.
Let me preface this by saying that the concerns about privacy in this case are legitimate and in addition to that, I am already foreseeing a gang of tone-deaf Conservative pundits attempting to blame his wife Anna for not properly “performing her wifely duties”. All this sh*t compounds on itself to the point that I have to give it eighteen levels of side-eye.
Concerns aside, I would absolutely be crazy not to take this lovely opportunity to roast the entirety of Josh’s existence over this latest f*ck up.
So here we go:
1. Josh, why is your username Josh_The_Man?
You cannot get more conceited and stereotypically frat bro-y than that.
This is almost as bad as that one guy from Scrubs having the last name Dudemeister. I don’t even have to roast this really. It already roasts itself. This is a self-roast and this is a self-drag….of the best kind.
2. Josh, why did you use your real name, email, and mailing address?
Common sense dictates that if you’re going to lead a double, triple, or even quadruple life where you sh*t on all the “family values” that you have espoused in public, the LEAST you could do is cover your ass and, you know, not use your real information to do so.
But, alas. You lack all common sense—and common decency for that matter—so this probably didn’t even occur to you, Mr. Thumbtack.
3. Re: “Bubble Bath For 2”
This is a direct quote from your sexual interests section and I’ve just got one thing to say:
Bubble baths are tiny as all sh*t. Facts.
Who is tryna share one?
In fact, why are YOU trying to share, Josh?
4. Re: “Someone to Teach”
Someone to teach? Someone to teach what?
How 2 B Wack 101?
How 2 Do Da Vanilla Sex 2.0?
How 2 B A Hypocritical F*ckboi 200?
What are you trying to teach? Who would be unfortunate enough to have to teach you anything? I need to know. I need answers!
5. Re: “Cuddling and Hugging”
Aight, so I too subscribe to the motto that one should never yuck someone’s yums, because, hey, we all got preferences and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in that regard. At the same time, I’m going to have something to say when said preferences read like they are coming from a sexually repressed f*ckboi.
Bubble baths for 2? Someone To Teach? Someone To Teach Me? Cuddling and Hugging?!?
Look, man. If I were to ever cheat and I was CAUGHT cheating via “cuddling and hugging” (I can’t believe I just typed that out), I would demand to be shot on the spot, because in my mind I no longer to deserve to live.
All the things I could be doing and I was caught “cuddling and hugging”???
I would be done.
I would out be out.
Either that or allow me to spontaneously combust.
Whatever works, really.
6. Josh, why do you continue to offer up these wack apologies?
Via your statement this morning, you call yourself “the biggest hypocrite ever” (as I already mentioned) and my first thought is:
Well, no sh*t, Sherlock. Care to be even more obvious?
I don’t think the public at large is interested in another apology…because well, no one gives a f*ck. We know you don’t give a f*ck because you continue to do this f*ckboi sh*t and as a result, we don’t really give a f*ck. We know these apologies are fake as sh*t, so I’m frankly confused as to why you continue to try.
Personally, said apologies should be directed to your wife, to the victims of your sexually repugnant crimes, and to the LGBTQIA+ folk that you continue to slander (it’s quite ironic really. Turns out “The Gays” aren’t the ones who are making a mock of marriage. Who would’ve thought?) but I’m not going to hold my breath, seeing as you continue to address Jesus—whose body and life that you didn’t directly violate—over the people that you did violate.
Classic deflecting tactic.
Classic f*ckboi behavior.
All in a day’s work of Joshua James Duggar.
And according to John 11:35, White Jesus weeps because of your ugly ass.
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