A couple of days ago, due to morbid curiosity after viewing author Daniel José Older (@djolder)’s tweets and AJ’s continuously hilarious jabs at the film, I finally saw Batman v Superman and…let’s just say that somehow, somewhere, Mephisto probably has my soul now.
I’d pull a Doom and fight my way through Mephisto’s realm to get it back a la Ultimate Alliance, but upon further review, I found that like Magik, I could probably do more damage without it.

It’s true.
On a more serious note, it is true. I made myself watch the entirety of Batman v Superman. Except while I thought I was watching the theatrical cut, it turned out I was watching the ULTIMATE X-TREME BEAR CLAW WINTER CYCLONE EDITION.
That’s right, y’all.
I accidentally subjected myself to 20 extra minutes of pain and suffering. And because every scene made me physically ill, this three hour and two minute movie took five hours to watch.

The opposite of tiny, of course.
Of course, because an “L” of this magnitude should be immortalized, I took the liberty of live-tweeting the experience. I briefly considered writing an angry review of the Decepticon film, but because I could never top the Crying Jordan award that AJ handed the film in her review here, I decided against it.
So, without further ado, I present to you Batman v Superman: Dawn of This Should Have Been Man of Steel 2 or Rather We Should Have Done The Martian Invasion Here But Since No One On This Production Loved Themselves, This Is What We’re Out Here Doin’:
"The time before…"
Are you talking about the Land Before Time or…#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/wpslLyCstf
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Oh my God this tired ass voiceover #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/Xp5UYvdA7O
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Monica's boyfriend with the mustache playing Bruce's daddy#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
We've seen Batman's parents die like a million times before. We don't care.#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
…."Martha"#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/bvsXtNe8rn
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
wait wait wait. Bruce came out his Gotham ass lane to come see the trife trife happening in Metropolis? FOR WHY#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I see Zack Snyder saw errbody jumping on his ass for civilian casualties & added in this bootyass evactuation scene to fix it. Ok.#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
This music ain't helping#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Did we steal the Space Turtle from the Avengers and bring it here#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
SOMEBODY TEACH THIS MEDIOCRE SACK OF WONDERBREAD HOW TO DO RELIGIOUS IMAGERY/ALLEGORIES RIGHT OMG#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
who is this old dude that is not Alfred that we keep panning to#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Did you just evacuate this building only to stay in this building 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Bruce running toward this building like he is gonna hold it up by himself Grinch style 😒😒😒#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
8 minutes in and this is hot dookie#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/hm93L18P2z
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
THEY REBUILT METROPOLIS IN 18 MONTHS???? YOU IS A LIE!#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/Jef4AFIEyU
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Wayment. We went from omitting Kryptonite, calling it Kryptonian atmosphere, to only find it in some unnamed Native island?
HOW#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I see we reached the African Coast from Age of Ultron#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why does Jimmy Olsen look like Rico Suave#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Amy Adams here. Why is anyone here. Why am I here#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Idk whats worse. Having the caption "African Dialect" or having no caption for these unnamed Africans @ all#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/dE7NkgX62Q
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Wait wait wait. Stooge #2 from Winter Soldier (behind Frank Grillo) is here in the African Coast like we care. WHY#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Charred Black bodies. Because that's that I wanted to see. #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/i4EQWTnma7
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
that's the fifth oblique ass God reference I need Snyder to be stopped#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
This cop look younger than me. Zack Snyder wyd#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I like how Supes didnt show up to save his buddy ol pal Jimmy but was SO THERE for Lois. Does her 😺 spit out 🌈🌈🌈 or something? #MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruh, Bruce fryin Alfred like Alfred HAS to be here. Fuck you too Bruce 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
see this why I don't like Bruce. He out here branding mofos over spilling milk talmbout "they criminals". So they ain't people???#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
And upon Lex Luthor (aka Jesse Eisenberg Is Playing Himself But Worse™)'s arrival,I suddenly want to vomit #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/loRPDV3CZe
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why isn't Lex dead yet. Like Jesus come thru#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/wwSbrVxNC5
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Lex out here walking around in this Converse??? Like his feet won't melt off. Wtf Y'ALL#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/eTxMm8I9CR
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I never thought I would be watching a DCCU where Batman is more sane than Superman. This is perverse.#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Lawrence noooooooo. Why you here 😭😭😭#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
We got Lieutenant Dan out here wildin on Superman's statue and everybody acting like it's not warranted 😐#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/Pno0hpTpdz
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
If I had a choice between being saved by Supes or Bats in this moving, I'm opting for death. I don't want these problems#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
WAIT WHEN DID THIS TURN INTO FIGHT CLUB#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/j8whNsCzbk
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruce out here wildin in the projects. HELL NAW#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/tHT4B0W4tj
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I don't believe this Clark/Lois relationship. Even Thor/Jane are more believable than this and they only had a weekend 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Wait, so this pretty muthafuka puts on glasses and suddenly he is a "nerd" 😐#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/wKXRnLKI1g
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Everyone here has daddy issues. Of course. OF COURSE#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Holly Hunter don't deserve to listen to Jesse's drivel. I wouldn't wish it on nobody 😢#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/TcMABqL1Jz
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
If you listen to this film hard enough, you can hear me screaming "MARTHAAAAAAAAAAAA" into the void #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/q9UwHcUX2i
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
what kind of acid Batfleck taken because I'm pretty sure it's broken #MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
why Bruce room look so dirty. Bruce do better#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
"With balls like yours" Who the fuck wrote this script, a twelve year old?#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/TgmT6e4NhY
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why Jon Stewart agree to this#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I am taking a break to get food because @dominos chicken pasta is more interesting than this movie 😐#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/6RnvHSLqKb
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Bruce looking at this suit like he violated it? I need an adult 😢#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/tTWCvEuN9V
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
that was the most butt ass Joker reference I have ever seen. I see why didn't try#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
After Gone Girl, I thought I wasn't gonna see Ben Affleck's ass again.
I was wrong 😢#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/QQUxQeoOZc
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Clark Kent is a motherfucking journalist (coffee runner, but ok) and doesn't know who Bruce Wayne is? HOW#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/QEG9WrapxZ
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
WHY WE GOT THE INTERN (CLARK) CHASING DOWN BATMAN? THIS DON'T MAKE SENSE. WHERE IS LOIS#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
BUT BRUCE KNOWS CLARK. HOW WE DO THIS. HOW WE PULL THIS OFF#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/hUGIvjolmM
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Wow. They really did fuck up the Prometheus myth. Middle school me is furious#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why is Lex out here acting like the Riddler. This is grossss omg #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/P0YTQ22VlX
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
This face is my face throughout this movie. Lord why#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/htrKb7tLFb
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Batfleck is tryna be a billionaire asshole but it's not working because he himself looks like he needs an adult#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Clark is in denial about how many ppl hate him.Son, congress has tea parties 2 talk shit about you biweekly#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/oiIHS7n19Y
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I see Diana also attended the school of "how to tag people poorly"#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Batfleck is too big to be sneaking around like this wtf#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Lawd please stop these poor religious allegories 😢😢😢#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Everybody is saying Lois is a good reporter and I'm like "bish where" #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/ZHrvM8bwvX
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
WHY DID LEX STEAL PROFESSOR X'S MOTOR WHEELCHAIR I'M TELLIN#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
this dialogue. NO#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
AND NOW WE'RE IN MAD MAX: FURY ROAD 😭😭😭#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/RquV0ZQZpf
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
This movie don't even know who the villain is and neither do I 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. ARE THESE THE MOFOS FROM THE MIST? WHO OPENED REVELATIONS#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/4oTjvmpq9B
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I need to know what meds Batfleck is throwing back because he just went through Acid Tripception and wtf 😷#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/wnbMysuU3W
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruh. The Flash looked gross in that Acid Trip. Lookin like a big red booger 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Clark is the most asstastic reporter. Why is he allowed at the Daily Planet 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why hasn't Clark been fired yet bruh#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
They are tryna out drive the Batmobile…with a mini-van. HOW#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
"You will [bleed]
This line was wack in the trailer and it was still wack in the movie#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Like, LEX WYD#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/5q31LslToR
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
If Lex says one more bogus line about power IMA rip his hair off his head myself#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Clark keeps walking into these Ls and then being so shocked when this shit happens#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/lh6nAQtBUo
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Lil homie gotta pick one. Either Lex gonna wild in these streets like the Joker or he is the riddler. He can't be BOTH#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruh, they just have Krypotonian Wikipedia on this ship and ANYONE can access it? Wert DA ferk 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I don't care for this Batfleck Rocky Montage. Truly#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
DID WE JUST INTRODUCE THE JUSTICE LEAGUE VIA A LOW BUDGET UBUNTU/LINUX SNAPSHOT. I'M TELLIN#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/VyKLku6OvL
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I see Diana don't give a fuck. She just wildin with her face out in the open#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
They burning their Superman figures like Lebron James jerseys after The Decision#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/AhDN5Jko9n
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
WHY WOULD SUPERMAN CO-CONSPIRE WITH LIEUTENANT DAN TO BOMB CONGRESS WHEN LIEUTENANT DAN HATED HIM.
COME ON.#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Kevin Cosner came back for THIS? I see he needed this paycheck #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/oqV49K9IvZ
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruh. See if we got THIS Pa Kent in Man of Steel, I wouldn't have been as mad but since he was trash, I don't care#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Bruh they just bit HYDRA'S mantra. Somebody call Kevin over Marvel 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
I still think the new Batman symbol looks fat#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
all Lois does is get kidnapped and mention she's a Pulitzer prize winning journalist 5 times a day #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/bJhOso2B9D
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Why does Lex talk at all#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Does Supes just have a beeper that goes off when Lois is falling? Would it work if she fell down some stairs?#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
Lex's logic:
Orange + llama + cactus + dead squirrel = my dad hated me = therefore I hate Superman#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 5, 2016
How they get Eli Pope to show up to this MESS#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/hPdwh9j918
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
WHY DID CLARK THINK HE COULD RUN UP ON BRUCE LIKE THAT AND NOT GET SMACKED#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/SmJ3B0j9eh
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
THIS IS NOT HOW WE ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP HOLY SHIT#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Why is Clark acting like holding his breath against the funky Kryptonian stink bomb is not an option?????#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/4zQ9tDcahB
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
This is truly the wackest fight ever. Truly.#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Bruce: My parents taught me–
Me: –YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD STFU#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/7GLeKSdfuX— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Alfred is so done with Bruce's shit that he's gonna release his own version of Lemonade & call it Earl Grey#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/nvkOHCsccn
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Lord have mercy, who botches these many Biblical references? IM SICK#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/glC9PB3uua
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
DOOMSDAY IS NAKED. I NEED AN ADULT#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/fH552Nmnft
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
ANDERSON COOPER ET TU#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Nukes never solve anything in superhero movies and YET…#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Bruce sent Diana this asstastic email and is now shocked that she showed up to save them. What in the HELL 😐#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Bruce @ Doomsday#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/QRM7TciY1g
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
So they crammed everything in this movie including "The Death of Superman". Wow. This is sack#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Why the FUCK DID WE NOT LOB THE GLOWING KRYPTON STICK OF DESTINY TO WONDER WOMAN. WHAT KIND OF TEAMWORK#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/BlLdbwHzNY
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
So the cancer kryptonian angle was a fake out. Lex lost his hair by…going to prison 😐
Ok, DC. Ok.#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/VpSRxgxXLz
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD THAT BOTH CLARK *AND* SUPES DIED? I SEE WE NOT DOING OUR JOBS AROUND HERE#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/vxhMxVTEAh
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
I'm gonna join Clark in that casket after watching this punk ass movie#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Why Bruce and Diana get invited to this punk ass funeral like they knew Lil homie Clark? I'm telling. Lois ain't on her job#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Bruce fake as hell. You know you tried to choke Clark out #MARTHA pic.twitter.com/1BezCe6TIS
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
My computer shut down. It's tired of Batman V Superman too 😢#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
I'm back. And this funeral is still going. Wtf#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
"Anonymous donor" so we gonna really act like Bruce didn't pay for this fancy ass funeral? K#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/3eoRhm0ZXn
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
All these people fake too. Y'all wanted Supes dead. Don't play!#MARTHA
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
Bruce: "Help me find the others"
Diana: "What if they don't want to be found"
Bruce: "LOL I don't care"#MARTHA— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
What the FUCK is wrong with Lex???? My God. "bells?" Really?#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/iCLhEmc2ux
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
My final review of Batman V Superman:#MARTHA pic.twitter.com/pCpeSt98rw
— T'Clarkisha Kent (@IWriteAllDay_) July 6, 2016
What’d you think of my tweetstorm? Would you like to see more of this with other films and tv shows?
Let me know in the comments below!
Images From:
Giphy.com, Tumblr, Jphomeentertainment
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Oh my God, your live Tweet roast of Batman v Superman is hilarious. The GIFs and the comments:
“8 minutes in and this is hot dookie.”
“Lieutenant Dan out here wildin’ on Superman’s statue…”
This movie is trash. Well done, well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Grazie, friend. Watching the actual film was so painful but I knew it would make for great comedy lmaooo
LikeLiked by 1 person