Lovers of Zoo.
WHEN I TELL YOU THAT GOD IS A JUST GOD.
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD.
Y’ALL. I was taking a fucking nap yesterday when my phone started buzzing off the hook. You see, I’m a messy bitch that lives for allada drama, so the way my Twitter is set up, nothing trifling ever happens without me knowing about it.
That includes anything that includes Taylor Swift.
Specifically, anything that includes people popping off ON Taylor Lucifer Swift.
Now I know like a good portion of y’all might be a bit confused right now, so here’s a recap:
Last night (around 10pm—so around Keeping Up With The Kardashians because Kim Kardashian is an unmatched business woman), Kim not only dropped the VIDEO TAPE of Taylor Swift okaying the line in “Famous”, but she apparently dropped SCREENSHOTS on Snapchat as well.
Of course, since I am not on Snapchat for old people reasons, I was only able to grab a link to the video. In addition to that, Kim apparently saw fit to expose Taylor Swift’s ass to the world like a newborn baby on—yes, you guessed it—National Snake Day.
Y’all, I am dead. I am deceased. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
Here’s the clip (and the transcript below):
And just for good measure, here is a throwback to Kanye and his integrity-defending tweets:
To be quite honest, this is where I’m at right now:
God has said: “No weapon formed against you shall prosper”. This includes weapons formed by the wannabe Regina George who refers to herself as Taylor Swift.
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT ON THE 17TH DAY OF THE 7TH MONTH OF THE TWO THOUSANDTH AND SIXTEENTH YEAR, KIMBERLY KARDASHIAN-WEST SMITED
PRINCESS MORBUCKS TAYLOR SWIFT.
THANK YOU BLACK JESUS.
But, you know, before I continue celebrating, I must post my favorite reactions to Taylor Swift’s career crumbling like a stale Wheat Thin™:
I was worried that Kim wasn’t gonna release the tape for a second, but ya girl came through. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Us zookeepers have been saying—SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME—Taylor Swift was a snake in the “African” safari grass that she tried to co-op.
As AJ put it:
I just wanted to be a goddamn Zebra, mind my own Black ass business, show up to the water, get a lil’ drink…but you know…live for the drama too.
BUT…Taylor Swift made it so hard to be about one’s business. She was so conniving. She reminded us of every (wannabe) bland ass mean girl in high school with her fake ass posse, her fake ass smile, and her fake ass feminism that she learned from her [should be] molester BFF Lena Dunham.
I feel vindicated. Everyone who knew about Taylor Swift and her conniving ways should feel vindicated.
And I gotta hand it to Kim. Kim learned from Blac Chyna and learned to wait on the petty. I am not going to even lie to anyone. Had that been me and my family that Taylor was openly lying on and slandering, I don’t think I would have waited. Granted, I would still have the tape and the screenshots and the transcript, but I most certainly would not have dropped it as gracefully as Kim did.
I mean, not only did she make sure to get her coins for this via her show, but she has effectively locked down any and all news cycles for the next two to three days.
You can’t tell me the girl ain’t business savvy.
Of course, I, as Lord of Petty™, I am very interested to see how Kim is portrayed in the media in light of this HUGE bombshell. Even Calvin, as a well-meaning and actually-in-the-right Chet™ caught some unnecessary flack from E! News and Vox, where he was branded a jealous ex.
Still, I am curious as to if they will be portraying Kim as the Supreme Kai™ of aggressors like they did with Nicki Minaj (because you know, Black women are always angry…ESPECIALLY if they are calling out bullshit) or if they will finally bow down to the evidence and let Taylor Swift get dragged from Nashville to Rhode Island to “The African Coast” and all the way back to the hellhole that she crawled out from in Pennsylvania.
I wonder. I wonder.
In any case, once again, I am alive. I FEEL ALIVE. And, I await even more tea being spilled in these next few days and weeks. To be honest, now would be a perfect time for Calvin to come back out and add-on to the pile-on or for Katy Perry to throw any kind of shade that she wants.
Now is the time, y’all. Let your petty glow. Especially since LuciTaylor Swift ALREADY deactivated her Twitter (weak ass heaux. She can dish it out, but she can’t take it? WACK).
As for Tom Hiddleston.
Thomas Hiddleston. Son. It’s time to come home, Tom. I’m still mad at you for being able to drop words like self-aggrandisement, but not being able to identify a sinking
ship Taylor Swift when you see one. Of course, I am willing to put our differences aside, lay down my petty, and throw you a life saver so you can abandon shi—I mean abandon Taylor Swift.
It’s not too late, Tom. The time is now. You were just provided with the perfect exit route. The perfect escape plan.
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