So Twitter–which I have literally been a part of for 2.5 days–has given the world something to rally behind instead of #BLM for the whole of 24 hours…as well as giving slawin’ ass E! News something to half-assedly report about.
Yeah, that was shade for not backing BasedGod Calvin™, (one of the Supreme Seven™), and making it look like he was out in these skreets wildin for no good reason.
- Kim Kardashian-West took some tips from her momma and was both the best businesswoman and internet breaker at the same damn time. She hinted in a previous interview that she did in fact have receipts–to make it worse they were video receipts–and then proceeded to sit on them with her fabulous derriere until the airing of the week’s KUWTK (and of course National Snake Day)…in favor of exposing our fav snake Tay-phisto.
- Selena Gomez did what apparently is required of all people who board the Taytanic™ and slid out to take an L that was not even meant for her. That is correct. A member of the infamous-for-no-reason squad Taylor-Swifted™ into Taylor’s lane. The mindf*ck. Suffice to say, she was quickly thrown into her already near non-existent lane with the #SelenaGoToSleep tag.
- Zendaya and Chloë Grace Moretz both attempted to level up and only one was successful…and it was not Chloë. She instead got bodied by the newly swolest person in the Kardashian clan, Khloe. However, Chloë managed to prompt the whole world to beg the question: Who was she exactly? And why is she up past her bedtime?
- The night was not yet complete until Ruby Rose slid in during the final minutes of the last quarter to attempt a Hail Mary. But, she too was bodied by everyone on Twitter with receipts of her own “cyberbullying” of Miley Cyrus. The takeaway for Rose was most likely to a: have receipts when throwing stones and b: shut up when no one is talking to you.
Actually, this was the theme of last night’s entire Sesame Street episode.
- GoT is still scheduled to come through like a real one in 2017 following the Brexit; however, it has been whittled to only seven episodes for the upcoming season.
- And Tom Hiddleston is still being held hostage by LuciTaylor Swift and the world’s governments are currently begging and bargaining for his release.
*I see you standing there Tom, but do you want to be here?*
Due to these events, it has come to my attention that it may in fact be necessary to issue out a Public Service Announcement.
It’s no surprise that Tom Hiddleston is somehow regarded as a national treasure. I got suckered into watching Only Lovers Left Alive (still not sure what that was about) thrice. I have watched War Horse forward and backward in order to find his singular, 10-minute long appearance. I have continually rewatched of Thor: The Dark World whenever FX sees fit to air it (which is almost every weekend), despite its less than stellar re-watch value.
Some people aren’t sure if Tom knows what’s currently going down or whether or not he even knows what Snapchat is. All in all, this def isn’t what he came for (hehe see what I did there?).
As such, the people of the world only want his safety to be secured during 2016 purge, but somehow, he has yet to make the moves to leave this dumpster fire. Here’s a quick note from the Zoo:
I need you to know that we all care for you and are here for you. However, your limited time offer of getting off the Taytanic™ unblemished is starting to get a tad insubstantial. I know that you could see the good in even a box of Cheerios that has been left on the fridge for too long or a cup of cold tea long forgotten, but this instance…is different. The fact that you have remained in this relationship for this prolonged period, despite the world’s feelings and concern, is commendable. Your honor and duty know no bounds. You are, in fact, worthy of an honorary Stark title. And like a Stark, all of that good sh*t mentioned above blinds you to the snakes hiding in plain sight.
Have you not seen her track record or heard her albums?
Hell, have you seen her operation pattern? Literally: She parades her chosen victim around earth, meets their parents, goes on vacation with them and then BAM! She breaks up with them! Then, she uses them as hate fuel in her “character assassination” peak of mediocrity albums. And then she rinses and repeats.
This, dearest Tom, is Tay-phisto’s MO.
Also, because I know someone is going to say she is “misunderstood”: that may be so and no one is judging her or shaming for having a flock of exes. The problem lies in the fact that somehow she is always the victim post-break up and if you are even half as progressive and involved as you portray yourself to be, then you’d see that that isn’t right and leave that heaux.
*Sidenote*: I know that she’ll take issue with being called such because somehow in a series of other problematic lyrics–that she approved–being called “that bitch” was the problem.
So, just go to Chris Hemsworth’s crib and hide out in the outback until all this is over. We’ll send for you when the coast is clear.
–Love, your fairy god bae
That said, if you missed the initial round of Kim Kardashian exposing Taylor Swift like half of the world because it literally took place at the ass crack of dawn on a work/school day, you can either find the evidence of it on our page or check the longer recap out in our 5-star criminal level post.
Comment below, gimme a like and hit that follow button on my fresh out tha oven Twitta account @DisYoGrandPappy.
*Leaves this right here*
Image(s): Headoverfeels.com, Vulture.com