Last time on Dragon Ball Z…
I threw a photo on the site and everyone thought Tom Hiddleston was dead…when in reality he was Hobbit-trekking/ Batman spelunking through Mordor publically attached to the hip of good-for-nothing Frodo-esque Taylor Swift. This included Calvin Harris swooping in periodically to bring down a sh*t storm of hilarity and the Twitter public was the huge eye in the sky thing that was tryna kill everyone.
And I…was Smeagol.
And as Smeagol, I was happy for anything I could get from this #HiddleswiftIsOver happening because A: Tom is still too pure for this world (he smiles at babies for goodness sake) and B: I lives for drama.
But this story isn’t about me. It’s about Tom and how he moved from South Africa (the UK, my bad) to a terrible high school in the American public where everyone’s main goal is to be dicks to each other…and, you know, his rise and fall in the public eye.
And because this would put him in the early 2000s as the main character, he most certainly caught the weird/slightly predatory gaze of Taylor, the HBIC, while also finding time to make his circle of friends either angry or uncomfortable and tell Chris Hemsworth his bangs look sexy pushed back.
Wait, that was Mean Girls. I’m getting my teen dramas mixed up.
*Month 3 of Hiddleswatch*
So the time has finally come. Apparently, my letter to Tom made it to his desk (albeit a little later than expected given the heads up). But then, It was right on schedule when you consider Tay-phisto’s past relationships.
How ’bout we go over the play-by-play, shall we? Let’s go to Miguel*.
Miguel: It’s the classic “Comfy Couch Bait and Switch” tactic, A.J. It’s pivotal to Tay’s playbook. First, she gets you comfortable, goes on a vacation, and then you cross-meet ya families. Then, assuming all goes well, y’all spend a holiday together. She has pulled this move on all of her previous public flames but will she succeed another time?
Now, A.J., we all believed The Fourth of July fireworks was signaling the end, but instead, we got more disrespectful Rhode Island beach frolicking. However, a picture is worth a million words and Ryan Reynolds’ face is a sign of things to come.
Labor Day quietly passes and lo and behold, the couple called it quits.
She has scored many a Hail Mary pass with singles chronicling her “experiences”.
This time, Tay-phisto (still reeling from her first/last tongue internet lashing given graciously to us from BaseGod Calvin) has stated the moderately benign, but still placing blame and playing victim defense of “Tom wanted to take our relationship too public”. Is Tay only now taking PDA Rock and the general public’s feelings into consideration?
Back to you A.J.
*Miguel is the resident little voice in my head that tells me I’m about to do some outta pocket sh*t. He is flatmates with Steve, watches too much ESPN and is currently unemployed…ignore him.
But he right though.
It must be true because MTV has never steered me wrong before…except when I started questioning the logic of only playing music @ 3 am when everyone is asleep or when they really had me trying to be both Max and Nev and a Catfish at the same damn time.
And while no one here at the Zoo has a dog in this fight, we all shared a collective…
We also distributed the winnings from the bet and then heaved a sigh that no longer would we have to fear the worst, that E! News was going to run any grumblings or sightings of them into the ground or think about Lena Dunham for the day.
However, we are unabashedly petty.
Now that Tom Hiddleston is supposedly single, I want to send my half-assed condolences and this short take away.
Comment below, gimme a like and hit that follow button on my fresh out tha oven Twitta account @DisYoGrandPappy.
*Leaves this right here*
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