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It’s Time to Face Facts: Cam Newton Has Been Abducted By Aliens

Lovers of the Zoo.

I took a break this past week because, after two straight weeks of mounting ammunition against White Feminists™  and  White Supremacist Comic Book Fans™, I decided that the petty needed to be put on the charger.

That's me. Recharging.

That’s me. Recharging.

Of course, in the week I was off, a lot of things happened. Another Black person was gunned down by police unjustly. Protests of the National Anthem continued to spread like wildfire. Radio Raheem passed away. The showrunner of the Exorcist insured that his show might meet a similar to Constantine by shitting on live-tweeters. Ray Lewis and the rest of the Coon Patrol™ trotted themselves out to loudly state—even though nobody asked them too—that he (and they) didn’t agree with Colin Kaepernick’s form of protest. And finally…Fantasia went full “All Lives Matter” on Sunday evening as I was writing this.


You never go full “All Lives Matter” as a Black person.


Did I mention...never?

Did I mention…never?

Obviously, there’s more from where that come from, but no such occurrence amused me more than Cam releasing a statement about the state of Black lives and what he really thinks about Kaepernick’s protest. After reading his statement, I came to one conclusion and one conclusion only:

Cam Newton has been abducted by aliens. Or rather, was abducted by aliens.

You remember that one episode of Robot Chicken where it was discovered that Black Michael Jackson had been abducted and replaced by White Michael Jackson? That all this time, Michael’s antics—such as [in]famously dangling his kid Blanket off that one balcony—was because the real him and been sucked up into the sky Sim-style by some aliens with a world-ending agenda and we had been subject to a decoy Michael this whole time???


This is what ‘ol Coon Newton reminds me of.

I mean, what else explains the abrupt, 180° flip from Cam “They hate me because I’m a Black manNewton to Cam “We are all the same color underneath our skin” Newton?

Nothing. Or rather…nothing else but this.

Granted, though, the change he underwent—while drastic—is not unprecedented. We all know at least one Black person (famous or otherwise) who decided to turn in 99.9% of The Skruggle™ in exchange for a sliver of extra privilege. By agreeing to this, however, they also agreed to tap dance for Mr. Dwight Man™ and do the occasional jig…one that usually includes using them as the coveted One True Token Black™trap card so that Dwight™ can sleep soundly knowing that even though he might be a little racist, his OTTB™ card prevents such a frivolous accusation from actually sticking.

Yuck, tbh. Yuck.

Yuck, tbh. Yuck.

That sounds fairly familiar. It may very well be that Cam decided to assume OTTB ™status.


I do think that my theory may be more sound…considering that I have more evidence.

For example: let us discuss the issues of devolving Cam’s wardrobe.

To elaborate, you know how Cam Newton is known for dressing like your [least] favorite bougie, Black auntie? Well, that shit has gotten weird lately. I’m talking really weird. I’m talking I-clearly-got-dressed-in-the-dark-and-then-fell-down-the-stairs-weird. I’m talking Let-me-wear-this-top-hat-to-this-press-conference-with-this-shirt-that-don’t-even-match weird.

Still confused? Well check this out:


And this:


And of course, my favorite:


See? I’m not making this up. This shit has gotten outta hand. Still, there was a time—about three seconds—where Cam Newton showed the inklings of a budding fashion sense. But now? Lately? He looks like he regularly raids the shitty parts of Willy Wonka’s closet. And not even the cool Willy Wonka, either (RIP Gene Wilder). I’m talking the really strange and really pasty Johnny Depp one.

Yup. Nightmare fuel.

Yup. Nightmare fuel.

So essentially, he’s gone from “Bougie Black Aunt” to “Unstable Uncle Monty Who Experiences Delusions of Grandeur When In Actuality He’s Been Caught On Tax Evasion and Owes The IRS 34089234903280398038023980 Dollars”.

Still skeptical? I would be too.

Which is why I took the liberty of analyzing Cam’s recent statement.

Consider what that statement looked like. In fact, look at it.

Look at it right now.


In case you couldn’t make it through that statement without feeling like you had just suffered through a stroke, here’s the rough translation thanks to Queen of the Yammed aka ‏@itsLeeYuh:


Now, while it’s very obvious that Cam picked some weird “All Lives Matter” font to articulate his coonish ramblings, there is another thing that I noticed about his statement:

His motherfucking font looks like how Simlish sounds.

Think of your favorite Simlish song (mine’s Double Vision by 3Oh!3). Think of every time you God-snooped on one of your Sim’s nonsensical conversations. That shit sounds like you took the English language as it is known and threw it in a blender after you took a shit on it (of course, I’m not opposed to bending the English language. Shit’s confusing). And the contents of that blender is what Cam poured all over his seizure-inducing post on Instagram.

And, considering all of this, his sudden change up from proud Black quarterback to proud Wack quarterback, the weird progression of his wardrobe, and his font that makes it look like he was abducted by Sim aliens only to be dropped off right before this football season, I think it is safe to say that the real Cam Newton is no longer with us.

It’s time to face facts, fair denizens of the Zoo. Whoever was abducted that fateful limbo time before this current football season…never actually returned.

The real Cam Newton…is no more.



All jokes aside, however, I am fairly disappointed in Coon Newton. After the citizens of the Black Community assembled Avengers-Style to protect Cam from Dwight, it’s insulting to watch him go on this All Lives Matter Tour.

I remember when he got crucified for “showboating” last year. I remember seeing his Twitter mentions in shambles following that. Tweets that gratuitously included “porch monkey” and “nigger” were abound.

And then there was the infamous incident where has been ex-NFL linebacker Bill Romanowksi referred to him as a “boy” on Twitter and then backpedaled and deleted his tweet like he never heard his mamaw and papaw say that shit.

I remember. I remember all of that.

So why—pray tell—don’t you, Cam?

Does the prospect of being Dwight’s Bitch Boy™ seem that alluring or do you simply just hate yourself? Yeah, I was able to decode your Simlish font and peeped that you referred to yourself as “a proud African American”, buuuuuuuuut I don’t necessarily buy it.

You know why?

Because proud Black folx aren’t ever easily persuaded to suddenly forget the problems that plague their own people.


Even if that persuasion includes a mil or two.

Images From: Cartoon Network, Tumblr, Dragon Ball Z, Ilxor.com, Popkey.co, Giphy, Twitter, Instagram, HipHopWired

2 thoughts on “It’s Time to Face Facts: Cam Newton Has Been Abducted By Aliens

  1. I knew I should have waited til after lunch to read this article. Its too early in the morning to be reading this level of foolishness and now my eyeballs hurt.
    (Of course, they’d probably hurt any time of day I was subjected to this hot mess.)

    Liked by 1 person

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